I think I will just start writing...I need to purge it all. Love, as my friend has so eloquently said before, is a drug. You keep doing it, for the high; no matter how low things get, the recollection of the "first high" keeps you going back for me. Insanity, YES and totally! I can almost stand outside of myself wanting to drag myself out of the chaos; but I; the "me" in me, simply won't go.
My Honey, is as sweet as they come. She is pure. She is smart. She is savvy. She is sexy. I am so attracted to her. I can hear her voice and get excited as I long to be near her. Her smell, her laugh, her funny faces, all have woo'd me in so tightly that I fear one day I won't be able to breathe. I have tasted love in so many formats, yet this one is different. I am not certain how, or why; nor do I care to really understand it. It just is. Just is.
My Honey and I are the same, expect she is me, 7 years ago. When she is passionate about something, she has to act immediately. Without caution or reason, or even fear of the consequence. She must do it. I remember being that way. I remember being that way and causing all sorts of havoc for self and the people around me. If I was hurt, you would know it. If I were angry, you would know it. I felt that I was just keeping it real. I thought I was just standing up for myself and what I believed in. As I grew, matured and watched older, more "balanced" people; I slowly learned that there was a time and place for everything. I used to drive everyone crazy. Then I would feel bad later and have to apologize. I remember thinking when I acted this way "If only someone would be patient with my mixed up ass, I could grow into a good wife". But that is a heavy load to bear and I never really expected anyone to be patient or grow with me. So, I have decided to be patient and kind and let my Honey grow.
Moving along, as I mentioned I started making changes in my processing and delivery of things as time progressed. In fact, I learned these few, yet powerful things:
1. You must select which battles require immediate attention. You simply can't fight them all. And certainly, not all of them at once.
2. When things are heated, sometime you need to be quiet and just sleep on it. Why run the risk of saying things that you can NEVER take back??
3. Love bears all things. (ALL THINGS)
Our relationship keeps taking jabs. It seems that we have great days, then not so great days follow more frequently than ever. A huge transition is under way. We are merging two totally different worlds. I thought that our love and respect for each other would make it easy. How wrong, I was!!
I have taken on a huge responsibility; because I choose to. I sincerly want the two people that God has strategically placed in my life. I want to love them. I want to nourish them. I want to be their primary support system. I have been called stupid. I have been told that it would be easier for me to bail out. Even my Honey sometime believes that I am "out to hurt her", because she feels stuck or not completely able to do all of the things that she wants. But, the bottom line is: I am where I am because I choose to be. I won't be made to feel stupid, or like I should pursue other options. I don't care who wants me, or suddenly shows interest; the grass is NEVER greener on the otherside. Everyone has drama. Not to mention, I am totally committed. I am standing my ground for once. I will fight for this relationship to work with everything that I have. Hopefully, the yuck and detriment has passed so that we can move forward.
I am secretly wondering if there is a Love Rehab program. It may be a good idea. Sunday, good ole V-day was a good day, but the night...well not so good. That night found a way to spew nastiness and discontent all into Monday morning, for not just me, but for two of my Pals. I must say that at the end of Monday, in spite hearing all of the horor stories, I was blessed to lay next to the one I love.
This is probably the hardest things that she and I have ever done. This is how we know that we must press on. In the words of John Legend "Love Hurts sometime when you do it right"...then he says to hold on because "Pleasure is on the other side".
Make this a great day Kings & Queens. Seriously, no matter what anyone says or does, make up your mind that this will be one of you best days yet.
Peace
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