You did this, and I said that, and then you responded like this, because you were certain that I meant that. But in actuality it was all Bull Shit. All barriers, your attempt to sabbatoge and my attempt to allow you to. Fear. Hurt. Past Pain. Once again, you've reared your ugly head. Accept this time, I sincerly don't know what to do. My heart is so conflicted. How can this be love? I am wondering this from a safe distance as not to get my heart hurt anymore than it already is. I am in awe of how you choose to fight or argue. This is how you spend our time!! Time, is our most precious resource it is the only thing that we cannot get back. When it is gone, it is gone and you utilize our resource fussing over the smallest things possible. And then after you elect this option of communication, you decide that you want to hug or kiss me. Are you kidding me? I am so over trying to read minds. You are having a bad day and because of that, I deal with the rath. Then I can't ask you what's wrong because I should know what's wrong....because once again you elect not to articulate what you are feeling to me. I feel like I have so many jobs these days. True enough, my delivery on so many subjects could be improved. I could have been more patient. I could have sat down and gotten to the root of the problem with you, and worked at it with you. But when you go through years of hysteria, years of giving all that you had just to be left empty, the soul grows weary. Why can't you understand that? Why can't you look at my deeds? Words are just air. Yes, they hurt. Yes they carry power. But it is the action that tells the story. Have I not been at your side, since Day One? Have I not tried to have your back even when all else failed? Wasn't it me, making sure that you had everything you needed and most of what you wanted? NAH, couldn't be! Because in your mind a few words said out of anger and hurt are all you chose to hear and now all you choose to cling to. And when the shit gets rocky, you are so quick to abandon ship, quickly forgetting that I am only there, because you wanted to be there and then I am left there alone. Whether your body is there or not. You. Have. Mentally. Checked. OUT. I don't even know this person anymore. You, nor I.
My writing is coming to a screeching halt, as the tears well up in my eyes. I have to remember to keep it together. These tears are but cleansing tools, that no one else could give two shits about. I am up to head in responsibilities and I certainly can't let someone's attempt to break me, break me. Yeah, I am bruised. But I am not broken. I will never break, because I was built to last. Either I will be that pillar of strength beside you, or I will stand alone. Either way, we can't undo what's been done. There is no going back. So either we move full force ahead, or we quit now.
I used to be a quitter. But you, you make me want to fight. You make it all worth it. I wonder if I am just another unfinished project to you.
Soon, we will know. Very soon.
Peace!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
I hope you get your money's worth
You may be wondering why you haven’t read a blog from me in about one month. Is this another unfinished project? Is she sick? Is she depressed? These are the types of questions that I would ask, if I weren’t me. Anyway, it’s been by no mistake and by total purpose that I have elected not to post a blog. I’ve been told that my writing inspires those to think outside of the proverbial box of chocolate life that so many have chosen; causing them to soar and realize that in their state of quandary they are not the only one. But how can I, I, I? I, Elizabeth motivate anyone, when I, I, I have no motivation at all. Many are the events which enveloped my psyche over the past month. Laughs with friends, some sort of tonsil germ (sidebar-Why didn’t anyone tell me that the tonsils were just a cesspool of yuck waiting to get me sick? Whose design was this? Or did I fault the design? Who knows? I don’t know “Jack”. **Message**) I’ve had epiphany’s, lunches with Ryan and Tiffany, missing one, book club meetings, found out that the Cuddly one had been in a relationship with a woman with a name sounding like a Children’s Medicine from Rwanda, work drama and an invite to return to a place where I was once so, so very comfortable. Sadly, I am afraid to move. I lack the courage, the power and the strength to do what I know is best. Good things are happening amidst the hysteria. In spite of my ailing Grandmother’s constant reminders of cremation and my favorite Uncle and his fight for life, good things are starting to happen. But, emotion has taken over my very being. It’s been 17 days, 11 hours and 34 minutes since I’ve made a logical decision. Father, I confess. But now, I must digress, because that is the past, non-the-less.
Now what are you getting from this blog? Nothing, nothing, minus the fact that I am an artist who allows the words to spew from my soul and either dance to a melody or add punctuation at the end for a complete thought. What are you getting from this blog? Now you know that I can write. But what are YOU getting from this blog? There is no edification nor need for meditation in this dissertation. This is just me, saying something. Doing what I do best: Bull shitting to keep the people smiling and remembering me. “Can. You. Hear. Me. Now???”
I feel trapped inside of someone else. No, no, no, I don’t want a penis or anything like that. I don’t think….Hmmm, I’ll get back to you on that. I don’t feel the same. But isn’t change part of the plan? This is not the “Liz” that I know. I feel like I am growing, but I don’t really fancy growing in this aspect. I HATE RESPONSIBILITY. I prefer being free spirited. Doing what I want, when I want to. I want to live my life like I am about 25 years old and I want people to excuse my selfish decisions, because I am young and don’t know any better. But that time has passed and I am not yet ready to pass the torch. 30 sucks!!! I want my life back. I want to stand in front of everyone who used me, every organization who ever took even a single second of my life for their own good and proudly say “Refund please.” Then maybe, maybe, had I not have been in such a hurry to be grown, someone’s wife, someone’s Manager, maybe I would have really experienced youth. The youth stolen from me when life was in single digits. Looking after this one and that one, because that one could not be who she vowed to be. Woe is me? Nah, it just is what it is. I am ANGRY. Even if just for a short time, I am angry. Everyone always imagines, expects me to have a smile on my face. And while, I am silly and full of laughs and hysteria. I am still a person. A person trying to find her way. A person stuck in a 30 year old body, that feels 40, that thinks, sometime, like I am 20. Let me stop now before someone recommends me a “shrink”. I really don’t feel that there is anything wrong with me. I just have the guts to express it. Or then again, maybe I am the only one who moved too fast. Maybe, I am the only one who made choices based on the heart or the status quo and now wishes to get a refund of my time and energy. But who among you will admit it?? No one. Because you aren’t SUPPOSED to say: Damn I wish I would have waited to get married. Damn, I wish I would have waited to have kids. Damn, I wish I would have finished school. Damn, I wish I would have gotten my High School Diploma. Damn, I wish I would not have moved out so quickly. Damn, I wish I would have saved some money. I know, I know….it’s ALL just me. Sure. Now, I may be remorseful, thoughtful and upset about some aspects, but I really haven’t one regret. Because, see I realize that every moment used for something “else” or someone else has designed and refined me into the Queen that I am. I also know and fully understand that there is no going back, so let me leave you with this:
1. If what you are investing in, does not give you a return, pull your stocks out. There is nothing wrong with being safe.
2. If what you want to do, be with, hang with and work with, does not enhance your very existence, rethink your choices TODAY. ***Finally**
3. There is no road map for life. But if someone has already traveled the road that you are on and they’ve constantly advised you of the bumps, don’t be afraid to travel another route, or at least be prepared to encounter turbulence.
Selah
Now what are you getting from this blog? Nothing, nothing, minus the fact that I am an artist who allows the words to spew from my soul and either dance to a melody or add punctuation at the end for a complete thought. What are you getting from this blog? Now you know that I can write. But what are YOU getting from this blog? There is no edification nor need for meditation in this dissertation. This is just me, saying something. Doing what I do best: Bull shitting to keep the people smiling and remembering me. “Can. You. Hear. Me. Now???”
I feel trapped inside of someone else. No, no, no, I don’t want a penis or anything like that. I don’t think….Hmmm, I’ll get back to you on that. I don’t feel the same. But isn’t change part of the plan? This is not the “Liz” that I know. I feel like I am growing, but I don’t really fancy growing in this aspect. I HATE RESPONSIBILITY. I prefer being free spirited. Doing what I want, when I want to. I want to live my life like I am about 25 years old and I want people to excuse my selfish decisions, because I am young and don’t know any better. But that time has passed and I am not yet ready to pass the torch. 30 sucks!!! I want my life back. I want to stand in front of everyone who used me, every organization who ever took even a single second of my life for their own good and proudly say “Refund please.” Then maybe, maybe, had I not have been in such a hurry to be grown, someone’s wife, someone’s Manager, maybe I would have really experienced youth. The youth stolen from me when life was in single digits. Looking after this one and that one, because that one could not be who she vowed to be. Woe is me? Nah, it just is what it is. I am ANGRY. Even if just for a short time, I am angry. Everyone always imagines, expects me to have a smile on my face. And while, I am silly and full of laughs and hysteria. I am still a person. A person trying to find her way. A person stuck in a 30 year old body, that feels 40, that thinks, sometime, like I am 20. Let me stop now before someone recommends me a “shrink”. I really don’t feel that there is anything wrong with me. I just have the guts to express it. Or then again, maybe I am the only one who moved too fast. Maybe, I am the only one who made choices based on the heart or the status quo and now wishes to get a refund of my time and energy. But who among you will admit it?? No one. Because you aren’t SUPPOSED to say: Damn I wish I would have waited to get married. Damn, I wish I would have waited to have kids. Damn, I wish I would have finished school. Damn, I wish I would have gotten my High School Diploma. Damn, I wish I would not have moved out so quickly. Damn, I wish I would have saved some money. I know, I know….it’s ALL just me. Sure. Now, I may be remorseful, thoughtful and upset about some aspects, but I really haven’t one regret. Because, see I realize that every moment used for something “else” or someone else has designed and refined me into the Queen that I am. I also know and fully understand that there is no going back, so let me leave you with this:
1. If what you are investing in, does not give you a return, pull your stocks out. There is nothing wrong with being safe.
2. If what you want to do, be with, hang with and work with, does not enhance your very existence, rethink your choices TODAY. ***Finally**
3. There is no road map for life. But if someone has already traveled the road that you are on and they’ve constantly advised you of the bumps, don’t be afraid to travel another route, or at least be prepared to encounter turbulence.
Selah
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)