My mind is bursting at the seams with thoughts, desires, hopes, disappointments and most of all exhaustion. There are times that I feel that paper, or screens will not be able to understand my message thus it may lay dormant hoping that the next generation will see thru the rhetoric and jargon; and get to know me. Then there are times that I am afraid to write, with fear that someone will find a way to make my words and my feelings about them. When in fact, it clearly reads “Liz Life Café”…because it is mine. In spite the clear writings on the wall, my first amendment rights are questioned; as if going thru all of my personal thoughts/things are not enough. I digress…
I am exhausted today. My mind, my body and my soul feels drained. I love everyone in my life, and everyone has a purpose. But every call made today, in spite my reason to speak; I was always cut off and asked for something. Before I could barely utter hello, I was overwhelmed or shall I say almost choked to death with someone’s requests, demands, questions and stories. I just sat there, thinking “this is why”. My boredom is overwhelming me; and I make no apologies for it. I’ve never seen a caged butterfly. I keep telling myself to remain still and quiet until I am certain of my next move, but again my heart, my mind and my body are conflicted. I am almost afraid to continue speaking as my words keep spilling out of me because some usually feel the need to react, once again assuming this is about them, when in fact, I proclaim, it is all about me. Wow, when did I start caring of what people thought? Who the hell have I become? Hmmm
Restless and tired my body goes slumped in the chair starring at my monitor, attached to my desk. Hoping for even a grasp of a dream. A good one. One with light melodies and zephyr gently passing over my body, freeing me of the realities of pain, decisions and challenge. But that thought in itself, is the dream. (I’m laughing at myself, wishing I had the strength to let it out)
Today, I feel that the movie skipped. Ya know the movie or play that I am starring in? Usually I flow fairly well, the button in my back is programmed to bathe, sleep, eat, work, repeat…but today, it seems that there is a glitch. I just exist for this day. No real productivity has been birthed from my womb. I don’t believe that I have smiled once. I am not pointing fingers or passing blame on anyone. This is my world, and I created it, as usual using my heart in spite the scriptures warning me against the use of my heart because it is tainted with passion. I just wish that I could pull myself from this state of darkness, even for just a moment to be reminded of God’s light, his grace and his mercy. I have NOT been completely faithful with what the Universe has offered me. I have spent my time, my thoughts and my money on fruitless people and things. Of what good may this come? Of what good may this come? Even now, I have taken a moment from the mundane to throw my feelings on the mercy of this document. I was once known as a girl, intrinsically motivated. I had my own internal clock and motivator pushing me forward, reminding me of the goal. Now, the voice of reason has been muffled and I am so confused. I find myself praying until I fall asleep, or until the tears come. Or until the tears come…
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The incomplete blog
1. Children are being deprived of the basics- Love, Support and Training. I think the most important thing that they don’t have is environment of progress and productivity. Many times this is because babies are having babies. Add that to the Teachers just not giving a damn. Combined with education being the first part of the budget to be cut. In association with people being so selfish that they refuse to take the needed time with a young person to show them misspelling, speaking like a slave or wearing name brand clothes, with sagging pants is not acceptable. Nor is that their only option. It makes me sad and frustrated. I don’t have a solution, so I will be quiet.
2. I am so sick of the aspirations of women being married. Please love you, take care of you FIRST; then maybe, maybe your confidence will be seen and someone else may want to enhance what you already have.
3. There is an oil spill damaging our coasts. The depth of this matter sinks further than we can ever imagine. I am still shocked to see that the matter isn’t being managed as diligently as it should be.
Wow, I can’t even write anymore. I just heard that another classmate has passed away in death. Rest in peace- Nick Hall, 30 years old.
When will people realize that our time here is borrowed? What the hell are you doing with your life? Are you leaving a positive foot print? Are you enhancing the lives of others? Or are you just draining our universe dry?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Friday
Normally Friday’s rock for me. I am excited, even at work because the weekend usually brings so much fun and excitement. And you know me, screw reality…it’s all about the drinks, the shopping and the fun!! So, Friday afternoon comes upon me and the school bell rang, indicating that I should leave. BTW- It was 6 p.m. and I was slowly leaving work. :/
Now, my cell phone had been acting up for weeks. It was becoming increasingly difficult to charge, no matter what I did. It got to the point that I was twisting the cord to various angles to ensure that the charge was going thru. Once I even hung the phone upside down like a baby bat just to get it charged. So last week the Honey physically went into the Cell phone store to request that I get a cell phone. Soooo Friday, I was super excited. I just knew I would be chatting on my cell that weekend. Because that’s what girls do “chat it up”. I arrived all proud, my chest may have even been sticking out. Only to be passed over so that the lazy representatives could service all of the young white customers. The blood started boiling in my inner spirit; because I pay a hefty cell bill every month and I haven’t placed a single call from my phone in 2-weeks. Finally this Garfunkel looking guy decides to “service” me. Within, maybe 1 minute he returns to tell me that there is no cell phone for me. I swear, it’s like he stepped to the back for a few seconds and returned sooo quickly. I knew in my mind and heart that he did not look for my cell phone. Then he actually said “You need to use your cell phone to call Sprint to report the problem”. The tears started in my eyes. I had so many words that nothing would come out. I just looked at him. Was he trying to be funny, suggesting that I use my non-existent phone to call Sprint?? I just left. Now, I had two choices:
1. Go drinking
2. Go shopping
I chose shopping. I spent $100 that I still hadn’t discussed with my significant other. She will soon read it and I will get a spanking when I go home. (Please let me get a spanking)…please excuse my naughty spirit. It comes out sometime. So, I did a little shopping and I felt much better. I stepped out of the store feeling revived and happy. Then as I started driving my rental car (we’ll discuss that later); someone started following me. For some reason I wasn’t alarmed that I was being followed. I just don’t care anymore. (Imagine me spinning around in circles like that girl from Scream saying “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??) Then the beckoned for me to roll down my window; that is when they alerted me of a flat tire. I just looked at them in disbelief, shook my head like “nope, wrong car” and kept driving. Then as I drove into a strip center, another car was following me. “Damn it”, I thought!! This guy said “ma’am you have a flat tire”. I got out looked at it and it was flat as a pancake or a person with no ass. I quickly slid into the nearest gas station. Right as I pulled up to the air and water area…I remembered that I had no change. That’s because someone likes to take my coins and put it into a certain baby’s piggy bank. Right as those thoughts flooded my brain, I took note of the sign which read “Credit Cards now accepted”. WTH?? Credit Cards for air and water? Embarrassed within myself, I slowly pulled out my debit card and placed it in the designated slot; and that machine started up. Just as the machine began to rumble out air; a small gentleman appeared and asked if he could help me. So of course, I said “yes!”. As the guy was putting air into the sick tire, I looked down and he was looking up my dress. I let him have it!! Men, ugh. Right at that moment between wishing something bad would happen to his balls, I swear a black cloud appeared and the rain poured down on me. Now, I as gonna get a drink. I pulled in to the Liquor store, right next to a food place which just had the word “CRABS” written across the top.
The rest is history. There is no moral of the story. I just wanted to share a day in the life of Liz.
*Enjoy*
Now, my cell phone had been acting up for weeks. It was becoming increasingly difficult to charge, no matter what I did. It got to the point that I was twisting the cord to various angles to ensure that the charge was going thru. Once I even hung the phone upside down like a baby bat just to get it charged. So last week the Honey physically went into the Cell phone store to request that I get a cell phone. Soooo Friday, I was super excited. I just knew I would be chatting on my cell that weekend. Because that’s what girls do “chat it up”. I arrived all proud, my chest may have even been sticking out. Only to be passed over so that the lazy representatives could service all of the young white customers. The blood started boiling in my inner spirit; because I pay a hefty cell bill every month and I haven’t placed a single call from my phone in 2-weeks. Finally this Garfunkel looking guy decides to “service” me. Within, maybe 1 minute he returns to tell me that there is no cell phone for me. I swear, it’s like he stepped to the back for a few seconds and returned sooo quickly. I knew in my mind and heart that he did not look for my cell phone. Then he actually said “You need to use your cell phone to call Sprint to report the problem”. The tears started in my eyes. I had so many words that nothing would come out. I just looked at him. Was he trying to be funny, suggesting that I use my non-existent phone to call Sprint?? I just left. Now, I had two choices:
1. Go drinking
2. Go shopping
I chose shopping. I spent $100 that I still hadn’t discussed with my significant other. She will soon read it and I will get a spanking when I go home. (Please let me get a spanking)…please excuse my naughty spirit. It comes out sometime. So, I did a little shopping and I felt much better. I stepped out of the store feeling revived and happy. Then as I started driving my rental car (we’ll discuss that later); someone started following me. For some reason I wasn’t alarmed that I was being followed. I just don’t care anymore. (Imagine me spinning around in circles like that girl from Scream saying “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??) Then the beckoned for me to roll down my window; that is when they alerted me of a flat tire. I just looked at them in disbelief, shook my head like “nope, wrong car” and kept driving. Then as I drove into a strip center, another car was following me. “Damn it”, I thought!! This guy said “ma’am you have a flat tire”. I got out looked at it and it was flat as a pancake or a person with no ass. I quickly slid into the nearest gas station. Right as I pulled up to the air and water area…I remembered that I had no change. That’s because someone likes to take my coins and put it into a certain baby’s piggy bank. Right as those thoughts flooded my brain, I took note of the sign which read “Credit Cards now accepted”. WTH?? Credit Cards for air and water? Embarrassed within myself, I slowly pulled out my debit card and placed it in the designated slot; and that machine started up. Just as the machine began to rumble out air; a small gentleman appeared and asked if he could help me. So of course, I said “yes!”. As the guy was putting air into the sick tire, I looked down and he was looking up my dress. I let him have it!! Men, ugh. Right at that moment between wishing something bad would happen to his balls, I swear a black cloud appeared and the rain poured down on me. Now, I as gonna get a drink. I pulled in to the Liquor store, right next to a food place which just had the word “CRABS” written across the top.
The rest is history. There is no moral of the story. I just wanted to share a day in the life of Liz.
*Enjoy*
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Pretend
…..It was all my mistake. You don’t know me, you can’t know me because you, see you, don’t even know you. Moving at the speed of light, running in several small circles to achieve a dream never documented. No one showed you what it took, and now you are just learning the best way you can…except your process has torn me to small and nearly unrecognizable pieces. I am not rude, mean, or inconsiderate. I just love me; and loving me won’t allow me to get beaten down any further.
Sometime I sit and wish that I could be silent to only allow my thoughts and dreams to be transplanted into the minds of others, while still never uttering a single word.
I can remember how it felt when I first learned to have a voice. It was received so, so well. Then one day what I had to say became just as discounted as an old wives tale. I sat quietly on the banks of my imagination dangling my feet wondering why I ever opened my mouth in the first place.
Sometime I sit and wish that I could be silent to only allow my thoughts and dreams to be transplanted into the minds of others, while still never uttering a single word.
I can remember how it felt when I first learned to have a voice. It was received so, so well. Then one day what I had to say became just as discounted as an old wives tale. I sat quietly on the banks of my imagination dangling my feet wondering why I ever opened my mouth in the first place.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Songs in the key of E
The piano player comes to the stage, the lights dim to silently announce her presence. The intro is softly being played. Right at that moment, the bass player, plugs in and begins to softly chant the base line. Sweet undertones to a perfect duo. The crowd can feel the energy building, and in that instant the singer approaches the stage. She fixes her dress and picks thru her ever growing and flowing afro and approaches the mic.
“This is a freestyle ya’ll…so don’t judge me.” She boldly proclaimed with conviction as she clenched the microphone with one hand. And after a 4 count intro, she began to belt out a song that sent a piercing chill thru everyone in the crowd. The words were:
“This is not gonna be another sad, depressing love song
I’m not gonna talk about what you did to me
I’m not gonna shed another tear for you
Not gonna slit my wrist, because I’m afraid that the blood will stain my new St. Johns blouse
Nooooo, I’m not gonna talk about the chance after chance I gave you, and how you still didn’t get the point.
Ohhhh nooo, I refuse to discuss the extra that you put me thru, not gonna be a victim to you.
I’ll just pretend with a smile
I’ll just pretend with a smile
I’ll just pretend with a smile…….so every time my picture is taken, I’ll look like I have it all together, BUT, in reality I’m a mess. I low, down, sad mess.
But I’m not gonna shed another tear for you
I promise, I won’t.”
Her voice was so powerful, you could feel every, single word. I saw people jumping up and down; and some shedding buckets of tears. I saw some put their heads down as though the singer was speaking to them directly. Regardless of the varied responses, everyone was feeling something. You could see that the singer had been thru some things. You could sense her pain…but most importantly you could sense that music, art, was her release.
The music went on well into the night, and not a soul complained. One broken guitar string, two snare drum sticks snapped in half, two hoarse singers, one trumpet mute damaged later and we were still singing, yelling and crying. It was as if God him/herself came down and anointed the place with supernatural energy to carry all of the burdens, pain, broken hearts and disappointments away in His chariot of art. The music cleansed the souls of everyone there. The weight was lifted without a single word. A work of completion was finally done. The singer then, as though she could feel all of the negative energy dissipate into thin air, stopped singing abruptly. She dropped the mic, smiled and vanished into thin air.
When I grow up…I want to be just like her.
“This is a freestyle ya’ll…so don’t judge me.” She boldly proclaimed with conviction as she clenched the microphone with one hand. And after a 4 count intro, she began to belt out a song that sent a piercing chill thru everyone in the crowd. The words were:
“This is not gonna be another sad, depressing love song
I’m not gonna talk about what you did to me
I’m not gonna shed another tear for you
Not gonna slit my wrist, because I’m afraid that the blood will stain my new St. Johns blouse
Nooooo, I’m not gonna talk about the chance after chance I gave you, and how you still didn’t get the point.
Ohhhh nooo, I refuse to discuss the extra that you put me thru, not gonna be a victim to you.
I’ll just pretend with a smile
I’ll just pretend with a smile
I’ll just pretend with a smile…….so every time my picture is taken, I’ll look like I have it all together, BUT, in reality I’m a mess. I low, down, sad mess.
But I’m not gonna shed another tear for you
I promise, I won’t.”
Her voice was so powerful, you could feel every, single word. I saw people jumping up and down; and some shedding buckets of tears. I saw some put their heads down as though the singer was speaking to them directly. Regardless of the varied responses, everyone was feeling something. You could see that the singer had been thru some things. You could sense her pain…but most importantly you could sense that music, art, was her release.
The music went on well into the night, and not a soul complained. One broken guitar string, two snare drum sticks snapped in half, two hoarse singers, one trumpet mute damaged later and we were still singing, yelling and crying. It was as if God him/herself came down and anointed the place with supernatural energy to carry all of the burdens, pain, broken hearts and disappointments away in His chariot of art. The music cleansed the souls of everyone there. The weight was lifted without a single word. A work of completion was finally done. The singer then, as though she could feel all of the negative energy dissipate into thin air, stopped singing abruptly. She dropped the mic, smiled and vanished into thin air.
When I grow up…I want to be just like her.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Need something? Want something? Need someone to take things out on? Call me!
Songs play in my mind at such a fast pace that I can barely catch the beat. I am snapping my fingers and clapping my hands on 1 and 3, but the beat is clearly at 2 and 4. Have you ever had so much on your plate that your mind was unable to process it? We take for granted the simplicity of our life, wanting to be attached to someone else, to something else. Ahh, the price paid for the things we want.
48 unread work emails, 27 unread personal emails, and 11 text messages wondering where I am today, or why I am not on facebook have managed to irritate me, frustrate me, and entertain me all at once. Why is everything such an emergency? Why is it that when people are confused or angry, I get the scattered calls spewing out every emotion? Can someone ever just call me calmly, not needing anything? Please.
I am slowly hearing the beat just a bit more clearly now, that I am well rested. I am still uncertain about a few things, but only time will tell. It is so hard to keep a positive outlook, when work is draining you, relationships are standing in line taking and taking and finances are playing "guess which bill we'll pay". LOL My life, is a made for TV movie, I am almost convinced. No real complaints though. You know there is a difference in complaints and vents. I am thankful for my life, for chance and chance again to make things right. I am thankful for this moment to breathe. It's been 27 minutes and 16 seconds since my last call. Whew
48 unread work emails, 27 unread personal emails, and 11 text messages wondering where I am today, or why I am not on facebook have managed to irritate me, frustrate me, and entertain me all at once. Why is everything such an emergency? Why is it that when people are confused or angry, I get the scattered calls spewing out every emotion? Can someone ever just call me calmly, not needing anything? Please.
I am slowly hearing the beat just a bit more clearly now, that I am well rested. I am still uncertain about a few things, but only time will tell. It is so hard to keep a positive outlook, when work is draining you, relationships are standing in line taking and taking and finances are playing "guess which bill we'll pay". LOL My life, is a made for TV movie, I am almost convinced. No real complaints though. You know there is a difference in complaints and vents. I am thankful for my life, for chance and chance again to make things right. I am thankful for this moment to breathe. It's been 27 minutes and 16 seconds since my last call. Whew
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Sanity
Good Morning World!! Oops, my bad it's afternoon. Wow, I've started this day at least twice already...sitting here enjoying the view while sippin' on cocktails and talking about life, love and relationships with friends. Wow!! I've learned so, so much. Allow me to share two of these things-
1. Just because you are going thru doesn't mean that you have to tell the whole world about it....there are people hoping and rooting for your failure and purposely broadcasting your every frustration is just fuel for fire. It's amazing to see some people's social media posts and need for attention. There have to be better ways to communicate frustrations.
2. Every good thing, every solid thing takes time. So many times we get caught up in what others have, how others have handled certain things, etc..but everyone is wired differently. Everyone has their own right of passage and we must allow people to get to their destined place in their own time. Rushing a person or a circumstance to get where it we would like it to be, will only cause stress and challenge.
Moving along....last night I had a blast. It was such a fantastic event. I met some great people. Enjoyed many fabulous compliments, heard exquisite voices. This little getaway is really helping me to put things in perspective. I am finding pieces of me that I didn't know existed, or that I didn't know were lost. Sometime, I can lose self as I take on too many tasks. Lately, I was growing scared to look myself in the mirror. Ugh...so many random thoughts in my head. Let me go back into my state of relaxation. I'll be back soon with more info.
Peace (Two Fingers)
1. Just because you are going thru doesn't mean that you have to tell the whole world about it....there are people hoping and rooting for your failure and purposely broadcasting your every frustration is just fuel for fire. It's amazing to see some people's social media posts and need for attention. There have to be better ways to communicate frustrations.
2. Every good thing, every solid thing takes time. So many times we get caught up in what others have, how others have handled certain things, etc..but everyone is wired differently. Everyone has their own right of passage and we must allow people to get to their destined place in their own time. Rushing a person or a circumstance to get where it we would like it to be, will only cause stress and challenge.
Moving along....last night I had a blast. It was such a fantastic event. I met some great people. Enjoyed many fabulous compliments, heard exquisite voices. This little getaway is really helping me to put things in perspective. I am finding pieces of me that I didn't know existed, or that I didn't know were lost. Sometime, I can lose self as I take on too many tasks. Lately, I was growing scared to look myself in the mirror. Ugh...so many random thoughts in my head. Let me go back into my state of relaxation. I'll be back soon with more info.
Peace (Two Fingers)
Friday, June 4, 2010
I’d rather you plead the 5th….
…….than to lie to me. Than to pretend to be something or someone that you are not. I am so sick of people pretending to be so kind, forthright, forgiving and secure; only to learn that they are far from it. My delivery may not always be optimum, but I am true, thru and thru. I will not on a Monday, say that I am green, only to tell you Tuesday that I am red, and then on Wednesday skip the words and show you that I am black. People change the rules like the change lovers, moods and temperatures. Who are you? What do you stand for? And, the thing that you claim to so adamantly stand for today, will it be an old concept tomorrow? Yes, life, people and situations change. But as the old adage states “If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything.” These words ring thru me like a loud bell…liberty! Chameleons’, have no boundaries, no shape, no roots, no beliefs. They change with the wind…”like falling water”…and they wonder why others only look and shake their heads. How am I to trust you? How I am to be comfortable enough to plant roots with you, when you don’t know if you are even a plant most of the time. Damn!! Find you. Know you. Do you…first; figure all of that shit out first, before you involve others. Who has the strength for this? I am in a totally different place. The road that you are traveling has been traveled before and it leads to a place that I am not interested in traveling. But sadly, I still try, in spite of it all. You wanted love, you got it!
I have stood by, supported you with everything that I know how to do and be. I have encouraged your dreams. All for one day, this dream, this commitment to be soooo huge and the next, something else takes precedence. I mean, I know that things happen, but this type of occurrence should be the exception to the rule; not the norm. All, I have left to show for it is a hole in my heart and a receipt of yet another one of your dreams deferred. How arrogant and selfish of you to play with my heart! How arrogant and selfish of you to pretend that my opinion and dreams matter…when in actuality, every one of my sentences are interjected, halted, like an unsuspecting detour…when in actuality, my opinions, dreams and suggestions only matter when the shit hits the fan and you need me to clean it up. I don’t think you are dumb. I don’t think you are stupid. I just think you don’t know what you have, or what you truly want…and if you do know what you want, you appear clueless on the path to get there. See, I am not going to play like your actions don’t affect me. I am not going to smile, with eagerness and happiness because I have someone…all while lying and cheating behind your back. My voice will be heard and what you do with it is on you.
Accusations fly faster than a bullet in the BK, with you always being the victim and I am the shooter. The forensics point to a verdict of guilty for me, right?? It. Never. Fails. I want to see you succeed, and make fruitful decisions. I also know that part of growth and life is the ability and allowance to make crazy decisions, fall and then learn from the fall as we gently dust ourselves off. But when your falling affects me, us, others, and the finances thereof, I have a problem. Once again, I am left wanting because what you were supposed to do, you used your sexy sense of procrastination to put it off until the next day…and that savvy decision that you made came back to bite….ouch, the bite mark still hurts. I hope, it isn’t infected.
Never before, have I ever felt as though my dreams, my hopes and my ideas were moot. I feel that you have suffocated them, because you are not able to deal with the reality that is me. Will the real people stand up? The ones who won’t lie to you about messages, rings, thoughts, food, etc..? LMAO as I type this…because some of the lies have been so ridiculous, I wonder if they are in-itself a huge joke. But I have no one to blame for this but me. Once again, I allowed my obviously flawed heart to do the fool again. I saw the God in you, and you saw NOTHING. I saw who you were in the spirit…why am I sharing this? But what did you show me?? A reality of inconsistency, insecurity and, instability. My simple questions, either go unanswered, or you turn them into something that no longer even resembles a question. But I am still guilty, sentenced to a life of____________.
Perfect? Me…Ha, far from it. In fact, my imperfections and idiosyncrasies make me an ever better example of God’s love, mercy and ability to cleanse in the earth. Let us not even speak on the words “cleanse”…another small piece of laughter hiding behind the pain is begging to be heard.
Call me crazed and deranged…but I don’t have to keep sticking my hand in the fire to know that it burns. Hell, I see the flames. I can love and forgive from a far, far, place. I do it all the time. In fact, I am certified. Did you not see the letters “BS” behind my name?
I will never forget how you have derailed my thoughts, how you refuse to trust me with yours…how you have unraveled my heart at the seams, how you said one thing, but did another. I will never forget how when I messed up and tried to fix it; your mouth said you were open, but your actions were closed. I will never forget the look on your eyes when I met you. I will never forget the times we spent. I will never forget how I went against my gut and gave this a chance only to have my heart shattered into unrecognizable pieces. But. This. Too. Shall. Pass. It always does.
One thing you still fail to realize is that when I am in your corner, my love, my care and the extent that my hand will reach to help you will never, ever go away. But, obviously that is not important to you. *singing, you just lost one* Again, I digress.
Ready for this weekend, am I. My plan is to release every single bit of frustration, to cry every tear that has laid on the surface of my heart for so long, to scream until my voice is named in the heavens and on every mountain top, and to quietly step away and allow you to be who you were intended to be.
I’d rather you plead the 5th, than to lie to me, than to pretend to be something or someone that you are not, than to change the rules every day impending your level of comfort.
Let me leave you with this:
1. When a person is not faithful in the small things, how can they be trusted with the larger things. Whether this be their word, their families, their finances or their health.
2. There is MORE than love required to be someone’s partner, parent, and friend. How dare you think that responsibility, faithfulness, discipline and boundaries are not necessary?? It is all apart of love.
3. Finally, I know that upon reading one assumption will be made and I am fine with that. But know this, I am very grounded in certain principles and if you take those for fun and games, we won’t get very far.
I am thankful that my motives are clear, and that my intentions are right. I am thankful for this proverbial pen and pad to plant my feelings in, because no one else seems to care or understand them. I am thankful for my life, the living witness that all things are possible. I am most thankful for my ability to see things for what they really are. There is something to say about discernment.
Signing off “been around chameleons so much, I am starting to forget who I am”
I have stood by, supported you with everything that I know how to do and be. I have encouraged your dreams. All for one day, this dream, this commitment to be soooo huge and the next, something else takes precedence. I mean, I know that things happen, but this type of occurrence should be the exception to the rule; not the norm. All, I have left to show for it is a hole in my heart and a receipt of yet another one of your dreams deferred. How arrogant and selfish of you to play with my heart! How arrogant and selfish of you to pretend that my opinion and dreams matter…when in actuality, every one of my sentences are interjected, halted, like an unsuspecting detour…when in actuality, my opinions, dreams and suggestions only matter when the shit hits the fan and you need me to clean it up. I don’t think you are dumb. I don’t think you are stupid. I just think you don’t know what you have, or what you truly want…and if you do know what you want, you appear clueless on the path to get there. See, I am not going to play like your actions don’t affect me. I am not going to smile, with eagerness and happiness because I have someone…all while lying and cheating behind your back. My voice will be heard and what you do with it is on you.
Accusations fly faster than a bullet in the BK, with you always being the victim and I am the shooter. The forensics point to a verdict of guilty for me, right?? It. Never. Fails. I want to see you succeed, and make fruitful decisions. I also know that part of growth and life is the ability and allowance to make crazy decisions, fall and then learn from the fall as we gently dust ourselves off. But when your falling affects me, us, others, and the finances thereof, I have a problem. Once again, I am left wanting because what you were supposed to do, you used your sexy sense of procrastination to put it off until the next day…and that savvy decision that you made came back to bite….ouch, the bite mark still hurts. I hope, it isn’t infected.
Never before, have I ever felt as though my dreams, my hopes and my ideas were moot. I feel that you have suffocated them, because you are not able to deal with the reality that is me. Will the real people stand up? The ones who won’t lie to you about messages, rings, thoughts, food, etc..? LMAO as I type this…because some of the lies have been so ridiculous, I wonder if they are in-itself a huge joke. But I have no one to blame for this but me. Once again, I allowed my obviously flawed heart to do the fool again. I saw the God in you, and you saw NOTHING. I saw who you were in the spirit…why am I sharing this? But what did you show me?? A reality of inconsistency, insecurity and, instability. My simple questions, either go unanswered, or you turn them into something that no longer even resembles a question. But I am still guilty, sentenced to a life of____________.
Perfect? Me…Ha, far from it. In fact, my imperfections and idiosyncrasies make me an ever better example of God’s love, mercy and ability to cleanse in the earth. Let us not even speak on the words “cleanse”…another small piece of laughter hiding behind the pain is begging to be heard.
Call me crazed and deranged…but I don’t have to keep sticking my hand in the fire to know that it burns. Hell, I see the flames. I can love and forgive from a far, far, place. I do it all the time. In fact, I am certified. Did you not see the letters “BS” behind my name?
I will never forget how you have derailed my thoughts, how you refuse to trust me with yours…how you have unraveled my heart at the seams, how you said one thing, but did another. I will never forget how when I messed up and tried to fix it; your mouth said you were open, but your actions were closed. I will never forget the look on your eyes when I met you. I will never forget the times we spent. I will never forget how I went against my gut and gave this a chance only to have my heart shattered into unrecognizable pieces. But. This. Too. Shall. Pass. It always does.
One thing you still fail to realize is that when I am in your corner, my love, my care and the extent that my hand will reach to help you will never, ever go away. But, obviously that is not important to you. *singing, you just lost one* Again, I digress.
Ready for this weekend, am I. My plan is to release every single bit of frustration, to cry every tear that has laid on the surface of my heart for so long, to scream until my voice is named in the heavens and on every mountain top, and to quietly step away and allow you to be who you were intended to be.
I’d rather you plead the 5th, than to lie to me, than to pretend to be something or someone that you are not, than to change the rules every day impending your level of comfort.
Let me leave you with this:
1. When a person is not faithful in the small things, how can they be trusted with the larger things. Whether this be their word, their families, their finances or their health.
2. There is MORE than love required to be someone’s partner, parent, and friend. How dare you think that responsibility, faithfulness, discipline and boundaries are not necessary?? It is all apart of love.
3. Finally, I know that upon reading one assumption will be made and I am fine with that. But know this, I am very grounded in certain principles and if you take those for fun and games, we won’t get very far.
I am thankful that my motives are clear, and that my intentions are right. I am thankful for this proverbial pen and pad to plant my feelings in, because no one else seems to care or understand them. I am thankful for my life, the living witness that all things are possible. I am most thankful for my ability to see things for what they really are. There is something to say about discernment.
Signing off “been around chameleons so much, I am starting to forget who I am”
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
6
Is it really June?? OMG, we are in the halfway point of our "new year". Did anyone keep their resolutions or goals? Please, anyone, by a show of hands, nubs, bandanas, or lighters...did anyone keep their goals? hmmmm I will take that as a "silent no".
I was attacked this weekend people. It was very gruesome and I am almost embarrassed to discuss it. It was like the predator had no mercy. Lord, I loathe and dispise mosquitos on all levels!! The sick and sad attack started on Friday night and ended on the beach, Monday night. Let's discuss a few small topics, that I am just putting out there:
1. Dressing rooms were NOT made for big girls. There is no other explanation. I was trying dresses on Monday afternoon, and by the time I was done, I was sweaty as all get out.
2. If you throw a party, if you don't personally ask certain attendees to bring anything, it is implied that their presence is appreciated and that is all. I am soooo sick of people and these "come meet me at the club" parties, where I have to pay for an outfit, parking, club entry and drinks. Damn, do you want us there or not?
3. Social Media, like most technological advances have their ups, and certainly their downs. People need to be more careful.
4. Having 2+ kids out of wedlock is CRAZY. Especially if they have different parents (Moms or Dads). Someone that I know is pregnant with her 4th kid and can't take care of the 3 that she has. 2 of the 3 have different Fathers; and that Father has about 11 kids all around the same age. UGH. Can you say protection? That is nasty and trifling to a new degree.
Ok, I am done for now...be well, stay thirsty and wrap that crap up!!
I was attacked this weekend people. It was very gruesome and I am almost embarrassed to discuss it. It was like the predator had no mercy. Lord, I loathe and dispise mosquitos on all levels!! The sick and sad attack started on Friday night and ended on the beach, Monday night. Let's discuss a few small topics, that I am just putting out there:
1. Dressing rooms were NOT made for big girls. There is no other explanation. I was trying dresses on Monday afternoon, and by the time I was done, I was sweaty as all get out.
2. If you throw a party, if you don't personally ask certain attendees to bring anything, it is implied that their presence is appreciated and that is all. I am soooo sick of people and these "come meet me at the club" parties, where I have to pay for an outfit, parking, club entry and drinks. Damn, do you want us there or not?
3. Social Media, like most technological advances have their ups, and certainly their downs. People need to be more careful.
4. Having 2+ kids out of wedlock is CRAZY. Especially if they have different parents (Moms or Dads). Someone that I know is pregnant with her 4th kid and can't take care of the 3 that she has. 2 of the 3 have different Fathers; and that Father has about 11 kids all around the same age. UGH. Can you say protection? That is nasty and trifling to a new degree.
Ok, I am done for now...be well, stay thirsty and wrap that crap up!!
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