November 29th

I rested so well last night I had drool marks on my pillow-case. I dreamed all sorts of things and had a lot of time to compile my thoughts.

Lately, I've been carrying some challenges that really are not mine. I had to return to "The Four Agreements" and be reminded that people and there actions have nothing to do with me. It is amazing how assumptions, greed, hearsay and just inner negativity can ruin friendships and family relationships.


Random somethings-
Today my biological Parents would have been married for 36 years. I can remember Grace and I making them cards with construction paper when we were little for this day. It was the holiday celebration that we had all year and it was massive. I wish we could be getting ready with our Elmers Glue for this tonight. Ahhh we didn't have a care in the world. Our Parents were our rock. They did everything for us. How things change!

Why does money bring out the worst in so many? I've noticed two things this week alone and it is JUST flipping Tuesday. LOL- As long as you are spending $$ on a person they have no complaints. Watch how many issues they have with when the money dries up. Don't believe me? Try it. AND, people who never, ever had two nickles to rub together will act a fool behind a so-called "inherited" piece of non-existent property. SMH "Don't nobody owe you crap fool!"

Once I was in a relationship where someone would get upset with me and give me the silent treatment for days. I used to feel so sad  and helpless because she wasn't who she said she was. Here she was 11 years older than I, but acting like a toddler. I use that reference because small children aren't able to effectively articulate their feelings. But this full grown woman knew how to speak up. She had no problem making suggestions for how I should do things, etc...But for some reason all maturity would fly out the window at times. The pain used to tear me up because I really didn't know why I was being treated that way. I would ask-NOTHING. So of course, I would take it personally because it was only I that she was treating foul. Days later she'd return with a huge smile on her face and wonder why I'd been so sad. When I would ask her "what happened? why did you retreat?" she would always say "Oh I was going through something and when I called you, you sounded like something was wrong so I didn't feel like explaining it!" WTH!? I remember feeling so isolated in this city all alone from my close family and friends. I used to suck it up and act like everything was ok. But it really wasn't. It's selfish and it's ignorant. If people would take the time to ask questions or just say-I'm going through right now, I need a few days; life would be a totally different place. But I digress.

I find that all of these instances of trying to be there for someone and loving from an honest and open place has just created more voids than victory. I seek balance. I seek the way to share what's in my heart without breaking my own heart in the process.

My goals are as follows-

Spend more time listening and observing.

(again) To lead by example: When I am not clear on something I will ask questions. I refuse to walk on egg shells because of someones' "possible" perception. My inner peace is most important.
Spend more time listening instead of talking. You just learn so much by doing this and you express a sense of care to whomever is speaking to you.

Get a living Will and put it in writing. Man, I am seeing some of my family really allow greed to expose their awful character. It is amazing to see how many people who never put an effin shingle on a house will try to stake claims to it. Man, if you want a house or the profits thereof, go buy you one. Seriously, banks would love to give you a mortgage.

 

 I won't be "sharing" this one...if you see it, you see it. If you don't, you don't. It's really not about you anyway. TAAAAAA DAAAAA

 

Good Morning World!! It's a beautiful day. The sun is shinning, and though it's a wee bit cold, I have a feeling that today is going to be ALL GOOD. I'm reflecting on this year, though it is far from finished. Someone once told me that because I was born in an odd numbered year that odd numbered years would somehow show me favor. Of course when I originally heard this, I tossed the notion out of the window as I do with most things that I hear. (If you know me, then you know that words don't mean squat to me. It's all about the actions.) But here we are ending 2011, an odd numbered year and I am really feeling good.

Did I meet all of my goals? Of course not. But, I am happy with my milestones and acheivements however small they may be. I left the country for the first time, just as I said I would. I reconnected with someone very important to me. I moved into the dopest pad ever SON with two of my favorite people. I was honest. I helped others. And, I loved with all of my heart. Oh, oh and I wrote a freakin' book. I love my book so much. Have you purchased your copy of: When I Grow Up I Want To Be Sane?? Still, I have so far to go. And, I embrace that with grace. Bring it on life! Bring it on!

Going forward I want to enhance some of the skills which I've already learned but not have been doing the best job at executing:
1. I want to pay it forward! (Everything that I expect and want out of life will be the result of me sowing a corresponding seed.)
2. Believe and trust the deeds of a person. It's amazing how many times I've been told "I love you Liz" this year and to date only a hand full of those people have actually showed me that. It is easy to be kind and loving to someone when they are doing things for you, or when all is well. But the times that it truly matters is when things aren't as peachy and it requires true valor and management of self to "walk the walk."
3. Convince no man of nothing. I'm in constant awe of how people will speak with such conviction about things they do not know. I've been accused of a few things this year, to which I know nothing about. If a person is simple enough to believe a one-sided story, or to create an alternate reality which only mirrors the prison cells of their own mind; so be it. If a person gets to know me and my character, they would know-'Nuff said-They would know!
4. I want to operate with a compassionate heart. I don't know what to really add here because this is a new concept to me. But, I have to realize that everyone isn't as tough as I am. Everyone isn't equiped to deal with reality in a matter-of-fact kinda way. And because I dearly care for the people in my circle, I have to master this one quickly.

Well, I have my morning meeting to attend. I'm charged up and ready for this busy week ahead. Let me leave you with this Kings & Queens-
Be true to yourself.
Don't waste time.
Only look back to learn.

Peace

PRY OR IT TEES

Wooooooosah!!!

I've been waiting for these few days off for a couple of weeks now. But in my life there is no such thing as: Time off. But, so far, so good. I've rested, laughed, ate, and drank. In fact, I've been in such a good place that I even provided a naked praise dance for my friends this week. I completed a few much needed tasks today, still some to do; but I'm satisfied with my deeds. But next year, I'll be traveling so that I can truly enjoy my time without being pushed and pulled into a million directions. (At least that's what I am saying now.)

As I was at the nail shop this morning I watched the news discussing "Black Friday". So, I want to share some advice, nuggets (not chicken), thoughts with some of my friends and family since we're knee deep in the holiday season. Do what you will with them. Hey, what do I know?

1. The holidays are NOT about you. Root word is-holy = holy days. Be thankful and walk the walk.
2. DON'T go in to debt trying to buy gifts for people. If you taught your kids what holy-days are actually about then they will understand that you didn't get them the Xbox 876.z
3. There is NOTHING wrong with taking care of you first this season. (as in take care of your needs first)
4. Remember, January will be back and you'll be making those same financial goals again which you might have met had you not pepper sprayed someone in the line of Walmart buying stuff this morning. LOL

Now that I've shared that, I'm going to do some classwork and reflect on some of my own advice.

McYuck

Monday was a day from hell. Certainly the under-lords were being paid an enormous amount to meddle with me. It started with a meeting. Now, these meetings are SUPPOSED to uplift the staff and offer some sort of structure. Unfortunately this is far from what happened. Have you ever been in a meeting that literally just steals away your time like a bad cancer? If not, I pray that it remains that way. But if you have, you will understand just how draining a negative meeting about a meeting with people who just like to hear themselves talk really is.

Soon (one hour and twenty minutes) later, my teammates and I were back at our desks. The mood was stank and the energy was low. We were truly disappointed and just "blah". About an hour after that, I received word that we (the team) were going to lunch. YES!!! I figured Management wanted to rekindle the spirit of the group. I wondered where we would go. I mean working in the Galleria area offers so many options for the pallet. But soon my smile would turn into a frown. And no "Happy Meal" would fix that.

One hour after the notice about lunch, there I was sick and sad at McDonalds on Post Oak. Why, were we there? Because some of the foreigners wanted to try the effin McRib! WHY!? Who even knows what a McRib is? A greasy, saucy clump of random meat pieces formed to look like a rib. I mean we are in Texas, home of real bbq, why must thou settle for a fake rib? I was only able to get down about 2.5 bites of that horror sandwich. I felt my tummy turning inside out and my spirit fading away faster than the flat top and hammer-pants came and went. Even now as I recall that day, my face starts to lower. Why did I even participate? It seemed like I drank a gallon of carbonated soft-drink just to remove the taste from my mouth. And if you know me, you know that soft-drinks aren't really my thing. There I was frowning as I heard a few co-workers with thick accents say "Ummmm, this Mc-A-Rib isn't so bad afterall." Before long I found myself mentally checking out. I went to a normal place in my mind. A place where you don't get together and eat junk on lunch. A place with white tigers, unicorns and the Easter bunny. Soon the sounds of lip-smacking and pork sauce finger-licking wasn't even a factor. I just didn't care anymore.

I made a promise to myself that day- No more peer pressure! They already think I am strange at work. I may as well let them keep thinking that. I refuse to participate in anything over than what I am actually compensated to do.

Well friends, it's Friday now and you will be pleased to know that I stayed true to my word. Even when I was "kindly persuaded" to participate in an impromptu Thanksgiving Pot-Luck a full week before Thanksgiving, I simply didn't respond. (To hell with that read-receipt. I deleted the email and the notice telling me that it would tell you that I deleted it.) Yes, the food items sounded VERY tempting. I mean who would pass up a frito pie, spaghetti OR meatballs, corn and spinach casserole, fudge, chips and cola??!! *insert that sarcasm again*

So again, I lived another week, still standing, moving forward. Boldly placing one foot in front of the other. I mean what else can a Liz do?

Sabatoge?

Soooo I'm told that I sabotage relationships. I wonder why that is. I am trying to step outside of myself to see this. Why do I have so many walls up? I say my life is an open book. But seemingly, that may not be the whole truth. Hmmm.... I am surrounded by so much love. Why must I control situations? I don't want to be a 32 year old subconscience loner. I want to experience a full, loving and healthy life.

It probably started the first time I felt safe and was let down. Maybe it was due to a broken heart. Who knows? Well, I better try to know if I am going to get to the root of this matter. I don't blame anyone for my internal workings. That's not how I operate. I just wish I knew why I seem to drive people insane. There, I said it! The question is: Elizabeth are you purposely keeping people at a distance so that you never have to feel pain? Or so that you don't have to depend on them? Are you that crazy that you have to try to control every situation? UGH, this is getting scary.

I'm also told that I don't fight (argue) fair. Truth be told, I would prefer not to fight or argue. It is a total waste of time and energy. Why can't people just have a civil conversation, without raising their voice or acting out?

So much has happened in such a small amount of time. At the end of the day, I am left holding the blame. So be it. Me and my commitment issues, my extremely nasty-stabbing mouth, guilty conscience, fractured heart and embarrassed spirit are going to attempt to get some rest.

How can one night...one freakin' night pull up the proverbial rug of my life? Probably because I had too much junk under the rug in the first place. Operation "Better Liz" is under way. Well, in the morning because as I said; I am tired. I've just poured my heart out and now I feel empty.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thursday, Friday, Saturday

Good Morning World! Good Morning Beautiful Life! I am so thankful to see another gorgeous day. It's before 9 a.m. and the suns rays are creating a bit of a glare on the screen as I type this. There is so much on my mind. I've already written this piece at least twice in my mind over the past few hours. But, I seriously doubt that it will come out the way that I planned. That's just how it is for me :)

I've been in somewhat of a funk for about a day and a half. I've thought some thoughts that I truly regret. This is the result of some seriously strange activity which happened in my home Thursday night. Yes, a random, freakin' Thursday night. All I wanted to do was take my car to the mechanic, and come home and rest after a LONG, long week of work. This was the week of my "off-Friday"; and I had big plans for my long weekend. If only I hadn't made a particular phone call. This call invited me somewhere that I should have really avoided. Deep down, I knew I shouldn't have made the call until I was home. I am going to really learn to follow my first mind. I was tired, and trying to juggle a few unexpected expenses in my head. It's bad when you have to decide whether you will get your car or your teeth fixed first. Unfortunately, I am a control-freak. When too much is happening and I can't wrap my arms around it as I would like to, I start to have serious anxiety. Some say, I'm a drama queen; and that's fine. But really, I am VERY anxious. Because my fear is NOT being able to take care of myself. I never want to be a burden on anyone. I'm working on that.

So, back to the random Thursday night of hell: I have a problem with disrespect. I have a bigger problem with slaps in my face. No, I don't mean literal hand to cheek action. I mean when you bust your ass to do right by someone on several occasions and they allow their misdirected anger, pain, frustration, inadequacies, or whatever to cloud the line between what is real and what is not. We all have been guilty of this. We've all been down in the dumps or not where we think we should be, and all it takes is a little something to set us over the edge. I get that. But what I do not get is the dishonesty of it all. It's no one elses' fault that you feel the way you do. It's not the substance or poison of your choice. It is YOU!! All of those extra elements are just that. Extra-elements! I've been hurt by many things, people and situations. But you will never see me slap someone in the face. Not someone who has been kind to me, loving to me and supportive of me. You will never see me play the blame game. I take full responsibility for the seeds that I sow. I won't say "Oh this situation made me do this!" What sort of adult hides behinds such a sorry excuse? We all have a choice in life. We can let rough times make us victims or victors. And, I Elizabeth Goree, refuse. Do ya hear me?? *insert strong Southern drawl* I absolutely REFUSE to be a victim with the fingers of this crooked system up my ass like some kind of puppeteer. I refuse to let life beat me up so badly that I am unable to treat people right. I refuse to let life distort my ability to love, and be a friend. So yes, it's been a rough last few hours. But I am up now!! I am thinking clearly and moving forward. Boldly, one foot in front of the other. Some people stay down for days, weeks and months and try to convince others and even themselves that someone else, or something else is to blame. I don't buy it. I will not smite God by taking the precious time bestowed upon me for granted.

Sooooooo, what will the likes of a Liz do today? Hmmm....well, I guess once I straighten up my room (again---sighs) I will do something just for me. I am not sure what. But I have a tank full of gas, about 23 hot dollars and a wonderful array of options. Like I always say: It's a beautiful thing to have options.

Let me leave you with this-

1. Forgiveness starts within. (Seems like I have said this before). If you have some inner challenges (as we ALL do); it's up to you to deal with it. Forgive the person(s) who hurt you and then forgive yourself. This is imperative not only for your own mental health, but to make sure that you don't take yesterdays trash out on today's treasure.

2. Sit and think for a moment. Maybe having a drink or 9 on a day when you are REALLY down isn't the best idea.

3. Tell the whole truth! There are people who will tell their friends and family one-side of things to continuously hide the fact that they have serious issues. Well the thing of the matter is, no matter how much you distort things the truth always has a way to creep out. So it's best to deal with your drama in private or have all your dirty laundry sprawled across the floor in public (LITERALLY)!

Going nowhere fast

I feel like a cross between crap and nothing at all today. I don't want to get caught in the never-ending cycle of "almost made it". Have you ever heard people talk about someone who has passed on? They are quick to say "Oh Johnny was so smart. He could do anything. He was just ahead of his time. If he would have only done_______ or studied ______ he would have been rich." Sadly, I feel like that's the way my life is going. I know my brain is sharp. I have a great memory, awesome eye for direction and the ability to clearly convey my thoughts without wavering. My potential is infinite. But I keep getting stuck in a "work rut". Why? Because I am addicted to the freakin' paycheck!! That small amount of money that is dangled in front of me every few weeks reeling me in further and further. In exchange for the facade of financial security (which is always just enough to get by and maybe save a little) we give up our whole damn day to work and work and work to make someone else rich. Then when we come home we are too tired to work on a plan to break the cycle; so we go at it again. We're like pathetic rodents on a wheel going nowhere fast. I could see if I got some satisfaction from this cycle, but when I do it is minimal.

Something has to give. I say this every few years. But I know that I am not getting any younger and I need to make a move quickly, else I be stuck in a mediocre situation....completely out of the scope of my destiny.

*sighs*

The Four Agreements

Usually around the 3:00 p.m. time a few of us ladies at work begin to chat. I am sure it's at this time that we feel a mental crash coming and have this insatiable need to release energy and share in notable dialog. The chatters normally include, Ally a young lady; I believe she is 23, Racheal who is about 37 and I who recently turned 32. It's interesting how we learn from each other and caution one another from making certain decisions based on experience. It's also interesting how regardless of our age, heritage, race and experiences we all go through the same thing.

One day, around 3:15 or so; we started our chatter. The energy was low. We three were feeling defeated at work. This is when Racheal shared something so profound with me. "Elizabeth, have you read The Four Agreements, by: Don Miguel Ruiz?" "Nope. Never heard of it." She then shared an email that I believe is about to transform my life. The email discussed the 4 agreements. Oh and what's better is that these are agreements made from within, they are just for us. Not an agreement with Hubby, or Friend, or Sister or Mother. An internal agreement to help promote peace and order:

agreement 1


Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4

Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
 
Beneath the agreements must lay a foundation, in my opinion. That foundation is the ability to be REAL with oneself. You can't keep your word if you don't have a word. Did you get that? If you are a flaky person who lives in a facade you cannot use these agreements, because you haven't agreed to tell the truth to yourself about yourself. But for those of us who live outloud and know who we are has nothing to do with what we have or what people think, these agreements could be life changing.
 
Resolve to know self and agree on how you will go forward in this thing called life.