It just doesn't add up to what I thought it would be

I am so tired, that I can barely catch my breath. I am told that I worry too much, and that I attach to easily. Perhaps. Perhaps. I was told that I should always, always give 110%; and I beat that goal. I take excellence to a new level, if my hands are to embrace it. Then why is the weight of this matter so heavy that my chest hurts?

Why is it that I care so much about work? Why is it that my integrity is being questioned without just cause?

I am convinced that at times life is a like one extremely long circus:

You love me and clap for me as long as I can perform tricks. But, God forbid the tight rope cracks or breaks and I fall....Now you are angry with me. Now you wonder if I am right for the role. The lights flicker until they are dim. The claps are but a distant memory.

Am I wrong to expect reciprocity in this selfish and arrogant world? Perhaps. Perhaps.

I thought that 1+1 = 2
Now, as the days of my life expand and excel, I am learning that the sum is produced by whomever is in charge of the adding, how they are feeling, what they are wearing, the color of their skin, the size of their body, the initials behind their name.

A.I.K.C.I.R.E

I write to escape the reality which sometime I am too fragile to bear. I read because I can be whoever it is that I want to be at the moment. I sing to drown out the sounds of “can’t”, “won’t” and impossible. I cry to cleanse my soul of the pain, the hurt and disappointment that I’ve allowed to enter my universe.

I write to share a message, because when it is all said and done; only these words will remain. My body will be recycled into new life forms; someone new will be in possession of the energy loaned to me by the Almighty. I read to know how someone, yesterday, mastered what it is that I still can’t begin today. I sing because the music that comes from my mind is more pure than the noise we fill our worlds with today. I cry because I am happy, happy to have the grace and mercy to “press restart”.

I write to see how the random thoughts in my mind may sound to someone else. I read to drown out the voices in my head, not knowing of whence they come. I read because the cable is cut off, and I need something to bridge the gap. I sing, because I am bored and making up songs seems to bring me joy. I cry, because you hurt my feelings, yesterday.

I write because my handwriting looks nice and I am proud of it. I read because my big brown eyes must be put to use for fear I lose them. I sing because I sound good, and if I practice long enough, one day I will have the courage to share it with those who may listen. I cry because I am filled with passion about this and you don’t understand me. You never understand me.

I write because it is a safe release, something like an orgasm without the sweat. I read because I am hungry to learn of new things, new methods, new languages, and new victories. I sing because the bible says to make a joyful noise to the Lord…so. I. Must. Oblige. HIM. I cry because your birth was one of the happiest days of my life, Ava.

I love because I’ve read that the only way to know the true meaning of life is to step outside of self and embrace something else so wholeheartedly, that we’ll call it love. I love because, I wrote about love so much until one day, the light bulb went off and I felt it. I love because the songs all speak of love and have contaminated my mind with the idea in such a way that I had to try it for myself. And, I always cry because of love. I cry when love hurts. I cry when love feels so good. I cry when my love doesn’t seem to be enough. I cry when my loved ones hurt. I cry when my loved ones win!

Can I get a wet-nap?

I am so full of passion today. When will people understand that when there is balance in a woman’s home, then she will be balanced in the other areas of her life. Home is truly where the heart is. That home could be a loft overseeing the Pacific Ocean, a Beach House in Galveston, an apartment in Buckhead, an efficiency in South park or a rented room in the BK…home is home. It’s where we think, pray, sleep and come up with some of our greatest ideas and creations. It should be, at all times a sanctuary.

I’m an air sign, which means that if the energy aint right, I aint right. I’ve been so off balance, and it’s shown in my weight, smile, attitude and performance. I wanted to blame everything and everyone for this, but in reality, the power has always rested in my hands. I just have to be thankful and count my blessings for the love, and the ability to make things happen. I am thankful. I really am.

Anyway, so much has happened. I guess I need to catch you up. BTW- This is coming as a prelude to our reunion for the Sex and the City Premier happening Wednesday at midnight. OMG, I am sooo excited. I feel like a little girl again. I am going to get my lashes done; and maybe, just maybe buy some new perfume to make me feel all sexy and crap. I may even shave my legs…”watch out there now” LOL

Missing my people, my sisters, my Goddaughter Ava in South Florida, my nieces and nephews. But I am in a budgetary hibernation and when I come out, I really hope to be better, until my next fiasco, which should arrive sometime next summer. SMH @ myself.

Well here are the updates you’ve all been waiting for:

1. My younger astrological twin has separated from her abusive situation and now has a dope ass pad SON! She looks so much happier, and is back to doing the things which make her unique. I am praying for her constant strength and will to move forward.
2. One of the fantastic four is gone to Italy. Tramp!! I am such a hater right now, but in a sweet, wishing her well way. I wonder how she is. Is there facebook over there? Hmmm, is she eating lots of pizza and gelato? Ummm-Hmmm
3. My Honey and I are preparing for re-entry to the love bubble. It’s funny and sad how we can forget why we fell in love in the first place. But, now we are making the needed transitions to make this thing work.
4. Rambunctious is STILL Single. But here’s why: She meets either the really settled guy who only eats meat on odd days of the week, or the guy who wants to lick her hoo-hah in the back of a Honda Civic. LMAO “either or” She is at least working to find her place in life, which is more I can say for some. Whoever gains her, would have gained a prize. She is truly one of the smartest most caring people (in a drunkish-smokish way) that I have ever met.
5. The old friend who left the other old friend is now with an old acquaintance and he seems to be happy. I pray that this is the one. I will not say anything more on this subject. When I write my book, he will get a whole chapter. Gots to love him though.
6. A blast from the past sent me the most dirty inbox message on facebook. I mean it was so dirty, I clinched my legs together and washed my hands in the MEN’S bathroom after reading it. WTH? Do people always want you when you are taken? Does anyone have any morals anymore?? I mean seriously. Whatever, I deleted that broad. I wouldn’t let her get close to me with a prosthetic tongue.
Well, so much for this. I am tired of typing, and I am actually at work, sooooo……..

Oh and a special shout out to the Gemini, my friend of 20+ years who will be 30 tomorrow. I love you and you make me proud.


Be well Kings and Queens!!

Be

I was once told that I should be my best and do my best in everything that I touched, in every word which departed my lips. It seems that in many cases I have forgotten these things.

Life has a way, thru it's trials, tribulations, discriminations, false hope and dangerous energies of causing you to put a wall up. It has a way of forcing you to fight for you rights, fight for what you stand for. I fear, that eventaully these walls will compartmentalize humanity on such a level that we won't even know who we are.

It is my goal to return to self; to the basics. I must become determined to do the best, dress the best, feel the best and speak the best no matter what is happening around me. I know who I am, and it doesn't matter if no one else knows who I am...so be it. If someone else decides that it is ok to use foul language, so be it. If someone else neglects their vessel, so be it. I am now on a quest to push myself to the limit. In health. In wealth. In deed. In spirit. In might.

A man/woman is only as strong as his/her word.

How can we ever get to a thousand dollars if we don't save 10-100's??

Time is flying by faster than ever, or at least so it seems. I am sitting here about to say my farewell to yet another Sunday, so that I am prepared for Monday. There is so, so very much on my mind right now. When I compose one of these blogs, it is always because of a way that I am feeling. Sometime, I am so full of emotion and passion on a topic that to ensure that I don't hurt any of my loved ones or make any rash decisions, I must spew it out onto the electronic canvass, and create art. Where shall I begin? I am not sure so I will just do the best that I can so that I am not ranting and raving, sounding like a lunatic.

1. You can never build on a shaky foundation. I mean, sure you can. But how many things last on a foundation poorly built. I try my best to convey this to some of my loved ones, one in particular but it seems as though my words fall on deaf ears. Oh how I wish, my words could carry a strong enough weight to make a change. The reason that so many of us young people don't have very much to show for our work and time is due to the way we handle the little things. We rarely properly plan, thus we are always rushing, showing up late and making small messes everywhere that we go. We don't save money, because with every crisp $100 bill we can always find something that is so important. Once that toy is purchased or that quick need is fulfilled, I am in awe at how that purchase that was so important is now obsolete. How can we ever get to a thousand dollars if we don't save 10-100's?? In my opinion it is better to start small and slow and gradually, by giving care to every resource build. I mean who puts the walls up before the floors?

I had to stop on that point for a few moments, because I didn't want to rant and rave and I felt that coming on strong.

2. I have a friend who isn't extremely happy with me right now. There was a total misunderstanding and miscommunication; and I said that I would address it verbally and those of ya'll who know me, know that is not a problem, but with everything on my proverbial plate, I simply lack the energy for it. I wish that with every confrontation, people would look at my overall character and say: Hmm, is this like Liz? Have I ever experienced this with her before? Do I believe that this was intentional malice? Oh well, I am happy that this person did take it up with me directly, and not everyone else for clarification, because if I did it, only I can fix it.

I had more to write but so often I get so exhausted that I can barely finish. I really wish that I didn't allow the actions of others to have such an impact on me. I guess, I actually give a shit about the people in my life. I want to see us all grow and use our resources to the fullest.

Oh yes, I know what else I wanted to say, and I assure you that I will be brief-

Looking for a job, is a job. Unless you look like Barbie, have at LEAST an undergraduate degree and have at least 5 years of experience in the field that you are interested in entering, the odds of you making a decent amount to provide for your family is SLIM to NONE. I have interviewed for positions and interview people for positions and it is all about popularity. Who do they like the most? So, to convince the "powers that be" that you are the best fit for the role, you have to do the following:

A. Network like hell. If you want a better IT role, you need to join local and national organizations geared toward your trade. Get out there and attend conferences, shake hands with people who can help you.

B. Have a good resume'. One that clearly discusses who you are and what you are capable of doing. Resume's that are unclear, messy or have grammatical and spelling errors are as good as trash.

C. Dress the part. Please iron your clothes before an interview. Look neat and professional, whether you are interviewing for a Cook at a fast food place or the CEO. Remember it's a popularity contest!!

Ok, so I am done with that. I'll be back soon with more.

Peace & Blessings

So live YOUR life....

James Brown said it best when he sang "You gotta live, for yourself, yourself and nobody else."

This weekend, I've heard a myriad of stories, all sounding something like:

"My friends are talking about me"
"Such and such said it looked like we were already married"
"Man you make me look weak"

What in the hell? Why do people who don't provide you with nourishment: Mental, Spiritual, Financial, Sexual, etc...have so much bearing on what you feel, think or do? What is even more hilarious is that the people who do talk about you like that, are only jealous because they don't have what you have.

I am always encouraging my young neices and nephews to live their lives for them. Do what makes them happy, responsibly of course. Because if you don't know who you really are, what you want and where you are going you will never be able to properly enhance the lives of others, spouses, children, etc..Sadly so many people grow up, prematurily. I've been called many things. I've been told many things. I have heard the jeers of people so-called my peers, even recently. But I honestly have no real care in my heart for the opinions of others. I have partied more than half of my life. I've traveled to the places that I chose to. I have lived, thought and worked "out side of the proverbial box"....so at this junction in my life, I am finally content to say "no thanks, I can't come." I am content to say "I don't want to do XYZ." And guess what, once those words depart from my lips, there is little to no chance that I will change my mind.

Ahhhhhhh, this life was a gift to us by the Almighty. We can do whatever we so desire with it. But when you lay you head down at night just be certain that you are content with what you have done with your life force. And if you talk the talk and say that you want more in life...if you say that you want to have a productive life, then I suggest you start investing in your life properly so that you can enhance the lives of others. If you chose to live a self-ish life, you are entitled to that. Just be prepared for the results.

Ugh, I can do on and on about this. I fear though, that my message will fall on deaf ears and the very ones who need to see this and let it be planted down in the soil of their soul won't. But hey, such is life. I digress. Nah, ef that...I progress. I ALWAYS progress no matter who is in my life or around my life....But I progress for me. Because this is my life and no one elses opinions, thoughts or influences really matter.

Selah: This is a term often used in Biblical days to indicate a time to be quiet/meditate and think about what was just read. (Thought I'd provide that definition for some). "LAL" (laughing a little)

Mountain High Valley Low Bank Account

There has much deliberation in conjunction to my varied situations. I've been in a place where my career path was questioned. However, at the end of the day, the bottom line is that all I do is invest in someone elses bottom line. We have to make better arrangements to ensure that we, as my Best Buddy said "Build a Personal Brand". Many of us young folk are like robots. We are on a proverbial "repeat" cycle whereby we wake up, work, tend to the family/household, do happy hour, bathe, sleep and repeat. When was the last time that you took a small part of your resources and properly invested in you? If you were removed from this earth today, have you made the proper arrangements for your family, for everything that you've worked hard for? Most of us, will probably say no. We live life like there is tomorrow, and for most of us tomorrow always comes.

Anyway let me not jack that dick off too long. Moving to a new subject. And YES, I just said that.

Nah, I want to stay on that subject in a round about way. I guess what I need to convey is: WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW...WHAT AMERICA HAS TRICKED YOU IN TO BELIEIVING....WHAT YOU ARE WORKING TO "BUY" DOES.NOT.MATTER.

How is the quality of your life?
Have you seen real snow?
How many oceans have you seen?
How did it feel to be off of US soil?
Have you been in true love before?
Have you helped the progression of someone elses life?
Did you complete your education because you wanted to learn more, or because you wanted a "good job"?
Have you climbed a mountain?
Have you laughed until tears came out and you were 2 seconds from calling 911??

Let me know when you can answer affirmatively to these questions.

Ya'll it's time that we invest more into the quality of life, as opposed to what we have.

Lets do something different.