Last night was rough....I tossed and turned for at least two hours. A varied assortment of thoughts swirled around my brain: Did I forget my cell charger? How will my next home look?...In fact that thought got so much of my energy that I could even see my red tea pot on the stove as it has been in all my homes for about the last 5 years. It's something like a "Liz Trademark". I wondered if "she hated me", or if "she" would take responsibility for where we were now. I wondered if the "little one" was ok and I thought of his smile; and wished she would have heard me when I saw this coming. I wondered how long it would take Steph and I to fill the Geology roles, or if we'd fill them at all. (Of course we will, of course, I secretly reassured myself) Then I thought about the next day, and how I would go buy another book or at least visit the Library to sit in the quiet atmosphere and read until my eyes grew heavy in total peace. I decided to pray. I wanted to do just as my parents taught me as a small girl; just give it to God. So, somewhere between the window treatments that I imagined for my next home, and the resume's that I scanned in my mind, I started to pray. I gave my Heavenly Father all of the heartbreak, abandonment, theft, disappointment, abuse and health challenges that I'd ever experienced. Suddenly a sense of peace started to come over me and before long, sleep became my destination.
This morning, I woke up with a new feeling of relief. I enjoyed a quiet breakfast. In fact, not one person asked me for anything today. No one needed anything of me. It was so serene. I knew that today would be different from the rest, somehow, someway. So it began: Suddenly, I had a heavy pouring of phone calls with opportunities galore. As the time progressed, I made the right connections and found myself starting down a path of prosperity, once again. Next week will be a journey in itself, but it's all for a good cause.
I don't understand why certain things happen, or why I am at this very moment in time. In fact, I've been called stupid for allowing my life to spiral this far out of my control. I've been called heartless. I've been called selfish. But the bottom line is, that as much love as I have in my heart for some, I really do love me more. If something or some situation has me disturbed, I am responsible to the God in me to take care of me. I have given so much of me, so much of my time, energy and resources to situations that have managed to leave me drained to the 8th power. But that's the person that I am..."all or nothing"...I still believe in giving my all, whatever my all is at the time. And, even at the end, I have no regrets, just pain, frustration and a hollow place close to my heart.
Going forward, I vow to take better care of my investment.
I vow to only be involved in situations where peace and productivity are promoted.
I vow to take my time before making life changes, so that I don't hurt myself or others.
I vow to feel secure and safe and if for some reason, I do not, whether it be in my physical, mental, spiritual or financial state--I will make a move.
This journey is to make me better so that I can serve my purpose with the success that my Heavenly Father intended.
(P.S.-The trashy blog will be next-LOL)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
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