This past week has been quite the challenge for me. For the first time in my 32 years of exquisite existence, I broke a bone. Not just any bone. I broke my left ankle and additionally learned today that I also sprang my left foot. It is painful and disturbing on so many levels.
Here's why-
1. I'm a full figured chick who's known that I needed to do something about this weight for years. I've failed at almost every attempt for one reason or another. As a full figured chick, you cannot imagine the pain and amount of effort that it takes to lift myself up on crutches to make it a hand full of feet just to use the bathroom.
2. I'm extremely independent. I made a vow to self to always be self-sufficient, able to take care of me. Well, when the very structure which holds your entire body up is injured; how do you think that independent crap is working out for me? I need clothes to be washed. I need my room and bathroom to be soaked in the river Jordan for healing and renewal. Most of all I need my ankle to be fixed. Last week, I had so much help. My friends (roomies), Sisters and my One. Then as the week ended, some of that help started to slowly drift away. Can you imagine how it feels to have to ask for water, for help drawing a bath, for help getting dressed? I feel totally inadequate. The pain has transcended the physical and crept into the mental.
In fact, just yesterday I was asked "What would you do if no one were here to help you?" (improvised version of the real question) The tears slowly streamed down my face as reality started to settle in. I realized that, I am a team of ME. I am not arrogant, ungrateful or unrealistic. But the bottom line is- at the end of the day all I have is Elizabeth!!! Now that question came from someone whom I've literally nursed back to health in every aspect of the word. I've cleaned messes, covered losses and been a shoulder of support even when the things I heard caused me more pain. It would appear that I've lost way more than I could possibly gain in the process. I never asked "What if I weren't here?" I was just happy to be there. There were no ill thoughts, malice or funky manipulation. I didn't want anything out of the deal.You see when someone near and dear to me is hurting or in need; I naturally want to get in there, roll my sleeves up and "get er done." That person or situation becomes my only priority until they are well and able to fly again. I shake my head even now, because foolishly, I still, after all of these years expect everyone to be that way. And the truth of the matter is there are several types of people in this world-
1. Givers with expectations- These are the type who give for show. They will go into debt to make it seem as though they are a knight in shinning armor. They will ignore those who've been in the corner and go above and beyond for those who've abused and misused them all to prove a point. They invented the word facade, in my opinion. Sadly, I don't even think they realize that's what they are doing being the giving usually comes from a good place. Then one day when they realize that they aren't getting anything back; they stop giving.
2. Takers- Need I say more. These people will drain you dry. They will take anything you offer them. In fact as opposed to putting forth energy to get education, employment or any opportunity for enhancement; they use that energy to get over on others. They only come around when the getting is good. They drink your whiskey and smoke your weed, and suddenly disappear when the supply has runneth empty.
3. Givers with the "fix-it-complex"-
I see myself as physically, mentally, spiritually and financially rich and so I am. I have to keep saying that, so that I believe it. So that my words activate the spirit and causes good seeds to be sown and a rich harvest to reap. Right now, my word is really all that I have. I can't really do anything else for myself but promise myself to be better to myself. As opposed to dwelling on the pain in my ankle and in my pride, I choose to remain mentally occupied. Steadfast and unmovable.
You see I realize that there will be situations where we will give and their will be no ROI (Return on Investment). So when we make such investments we must go in knowing that what we do is just because. We can't get blinded by the false promises, or babbish that the injured one(s) will speak while they are being nursed because they have been taught either by example, environment or the damn voices in their heads that they must say or do certain things when someone is helping them. I also realize that there will be times in our lives where the Universe will allow us to bust our asses. It is during this time that we must cultivate inner strength and resolve to use some of that "fix-it-complex" to fix us FIRST. Also during this time we get to see who the sayers are versus the doers.
It doesn't feel good to have this swollen, baked potato looking foot propped up on this pillow or to be typing in the dark because I can't reach the switch (even though you've wanted it on and off all day); but I feel good because I am learning just what the Universe wants me to see. I have a new respect for some and a new spirit of humility in my heart. I also am learning how to discern truth from "almost truths". Meaning that some words are just like the air used to pump my cast/boot/thingy up......all fluff, image of support, until you step the wrong way and realize that it is completely and utterly invisible.
Thankful is an understatement for how I am ending 2011!!! It's been a great ride. And 2012 will be much, much better because I see myself as physically, mentally, spiritually and financially rich and so I am. Just like that. Yes, it's that easy I call it so. The end.
