Ten isn't always an indication of perfection

I am sitting here watching some meaningless t.v. show and tears are streaming from my face. Everything seems out of order, and I know I am the catalyst. I am at the center of the disarray and I am all out of sorts trying to locate a solution. Bills are due. The Two Year Old has some weird allergic reaction to an unknown substance. The Honey is stressed about her work situation, weight gain and eye ache. I am upset because I can not fix these problems. Oh the woes of a control freak. I feel that I am too young to deal with so many things sometime. But then I am reminded of my supernatural experience on Friday, with the Sun; and how my matters and my tears are small in comparison to the great plan. God, I need you right now. Do you hear me? These are not the tears of an unhappy person. Let me try to explain: Have you ever had all of the ingredients for a dish and in spite your preparation attempts, it still does not come out right? This is how I feel. Couple all of these things with Pearl Mae Sue AKA PMS, I am a mess. Shaken, not stirred.

Tomorrow, my neice will be 18 years old. I am very proud of the young lady that she has become and is becoming. I am also remembering what it is like to be 18 years-young. Ahh the possibilities. I pray that she make decisions based on her gut and no one elses and most importantly, that she is always able to stand on her own two feet in good health. Amen

Why am I not counting my blessings, instead of counting these bills? Because, in spite your strength and your spiritual understanding, at the end of the day we are mere mortal. And, what is SEEN; I mean the "happening" of right now is taking presedence and seemingly so huge. But, I keep saying to myself that it is only temporary. Another gate to cross, so that I may get to the grassy pastures.

This brings me to another time in my life that I feel moved to share:

I was 20 years old. I was about to get married and my Parents had just divorced. I remember feeling like the world would end. Now some of you may be saying "It's just divorce"; or maybe I should be lucky that my Parents were together, if ever. Perhaps; and I am way passed thankful. But my Parents are part of a religion that seemingly is anti-everything. They hold the writings in the book that most call the Bible as very true and stringent, for eternal death would certainly follow anything less. My Parents were my rock. I didn't know God, or the Universe or what it meant to even be me. It was all stock in my Parents and their example. Parents are meant to be the RE-presentation of Jehovah God in the earth (The Great I AM). They are to show their children what sacrifice, love and dedication truly means. This is how we learn who we are, in God. So, when my foundation tore, it exposed me for the nothing that I was. Getting married seemed logical. I would show my Parents what it meant to remain comitted. I would bury the pain in a marriage. Sadly, none of these plans worked. I only became more confused and torn. Soon, I resented everything and everyone. My then husband and I were fighting daily. He could never do enough. I could never do enough. I would have these breakdowns, and try to keep them private. He would get angry with me when I would not be open and say or do mean things. He spent every dime he earned. He overdrew every single one of my accounts. He made whim decisions, leaving me to clean the mess, physically and financially. I had no support. I decided that it was too much to bear. I would simply take my own life. It's a clear memory, even now, despite the fact that I have shoved it under the file cabinent marked "Do Not Disturb" in my brain. I overdosed on prescribed medication, until I was unconcious. The rest is history....

On last night, I had trouble sleeping as the weight of life started to close in on me. I remembered this time in my life and became so sorryful. I whimpered in my sleep and right about the moment where I was "beating myself up" mentally, a calm came over my body. A voice said "Elizabeth, if God can forgive you, why can't you forgive you?" Just like that, I knew that I had to toughen up. I knew that I needed to let go of what I thought I knew, what I thought was right, where I used to be, and what I used to want. This is NOW and how I deal with the "now" will affect the rest of my days. I am given yet another chance to write my destiny. So the question is: How will I manage my life, with what I know and have NOW?

_________________________________________________________ (No answer yet)

Let me leave you with this Kings & Queens:
Life is interesting. But the quality thereof is in our hands. It doesn't matter who we were, what happened then or the cards dealt. We can learn to play a good hand, maybe, just maybe even win.

Untitled

“Aaaaand Action” screams the voice in my head. Shorty after the cameras begin to roll. This is the ongoing, and first ever Reality movie. It is the movie of my life-
As I mentioned when these writings began, I have a few regular cast members and a plethora of guest stars. For the most part everyone plays a distinct role. Some are just there for shits and giggles. Either way, I think, I have a pretty full life.
Today at lunch Barbie Doll and I discussed “Nurse” and her visit with the 99 cent Massage Therapist. This story was disturbing to say the least. What Masseuse has a TNT old movie playing while giving you a massage? And why did she talk the whole time? In between the talking, she was cleaning out her car and telling my Pals how her friend was JUST murdered, last year. What the heezy? Oh and she also told Barbie doll during the session that she is ALSO a Minister and loves to minister to Black People. “Uhhh, check please”. I have tears in my eyes just typing this.
Ok-Ok-Ok, so today, Barbie and I have lunch again. Why do we keep doing this? My brain is NEVER the same after our lunches. I asked how her weekend was, and she asked about mine. I explained my sessions with EJ, the liquor store and the freelance-freestyle drunkness that I had going on. Then she reciprocated by telling me about her “Wal-Mart Date” (no questions, please.) Anyway, for dinner the dude decided to brown her some boudin, that she said smelled/taste like “arm pits, and an old tainted moldy old vagina, with cotton candy hair, hence the aging process”. WTH??!! Who says that? I am so overwhelmed with laughter right now, that I can’t even tell you about the “Owl”. We’ll discuss that later.
Forward speaking, living in Houston, is one big joke to me. This city, in my opinion wants to be so authentic and forward pace, which it ends up looking like a cheap knock off in some scenarios to me. Aside from that, the weather is also crazy. So today, I am wearing a calf length skirt, sandals and a sweater. It’s all fitting for such a day. Houston is also a place, like most other metroplexes where, if you look a certain way, screw the right people or entertain enough people the rules simply don’t apply. i.e. The Blonde at my gainful employment home. I have never witnessed a person so ignorant, self-centered and shallow in all my days. This is the person who asked me how to reply to an email…”Uh reply button” I thought. Gee. This is also the person who takes lunches at 9 and 10 in the a.m. CST to run errands, that couldn’t be ran during the weekend, due to her dating life. Ya’ll this is a Mother. What sort of example does she believe that she is setting for her children? I hear her phone conversations more than I need to via phone. It’s always about her side business, her new Man, or some new facebook status. She actually sits at work and recites facebook statuses to callers in the key of Dumb.
Whatever. I just wish that the Powers that be, would take her earnings and divide them among those of us who are working. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever.

My patience are wearing as thin as my hair has gotten around the edges these days. I just don't feel like the nonsense. I wish my baby Sis could add a voice file to this blog, as she'd endorse this message. She is the ear that listens to all my frustrations at the end of the day, when we are individually fighting traffic to make it home to job #2. I guess it's time I formally introduce my sisters. Standby for the next post and you'll learn all about them :)

Painting me

I think that I am having an unattractive year. I don’t think it will stay that way. My Libra scales are all over the place and I am desperately seeking balance. There are times where I feel all over the place, like; I have so much to do, but not enough me to make it happen. Have you ever felt that way?
Things are about to turn around though. I believe it and have decided to keep professing and confessing this, until it comes to pass. My words are mighty in power, so I believe.
I want to achieve so, so much. I have the potential to do great things, yet I spite me. My decisions and “Ms. Fix it” complex has slowed down my rewards process. I digress. (sighs) It is what it is and I am learning. I am now able to pin point why certain things are happening to me and around me.
Most of the time, I feel that my creative juices are brewing so robust in my soul, that by the time some of them come to surface, it is like one big and colorful mess. As I write this, I am thinking about “Trailblazing and Trying”; I wonder how my T’s are doing. I guess a call is in order. I miss our lunches, or at home happy hours. My crew is truly an amazing bunch. Thankful hardly describes it.
Damn, I am super sleepy. I need some real rest. I have so much to tackle today. I need a cup of coffee or at least permission to sleep at my desk for about 30 minutes. Blah Now, random questions are running thru my mind like: Since I am a ball of energy, why can’t I plug my cell phone in to me to be recharged? Hmmmm
Now, I am wondering what is happening inside of me. Deeply, between my heart and my mind. I used to be a very kind and compassionate person. Now, I feel like a ticking time bomb at times. So many things irritate me. I am extremely demanding. I say what I feel, right then, no matter the tone. It just spews out. I keep telling myself that I don’t want to be that way. I try to backtrack to figure out how I arrived in such a place. I am somewhat certain that I am scarred due to a former broken heart, several broken promises, and being forced to “struggle alone” back in 2008. I asked God to strengthen me, and He did. But I am now strong, and selfish with it. As long as I am ok, it doesn’t matter what anyone else is going thru. This is how I act more times than few. I am so scared to be hurt. So scared to be completely open. Fear is terrible. I know it resides at the root of it all. This is sad because, I finally have someone so loving and supportive in my life. She finds everything about me so awesome and sexy. She can gaze at me for moments at a time. She puts lotion on my legs and feet after a shower. She oils my hair and scalp. She sits with me when I am feeling all mixed up. I love her more than I can ever explain. I get choked up with emotion when I think of her. I wish that my true feelings could come to surface when she needed to hear them most. Like, I would say “ I admire you Baby. You’ve done so much, by yourself. I understand why there are certain things that you don’t know, and it’s because you never had anyone to teach you. I wish I had your courage and your optimism.” Hmmmm
Let me end this blog now before the tears formulate. I am ever so moved by the intensity of the love that one can feel in their heart for another. I am in awe by the magnitude of the passion that I experience or have experienced these past few months. Either I must embrace this art called love, or I will end up once again a blank or even worst, unfinished canvass.

Life thru my wineglass: One long blog

I am sharing my life with you, as often as I possibly can. The sadness, the victories, the triumph, the confusion, this mishaps, the mindgames, the jokes and the relationships....they are all from me to you. My blogs have morphed from this fun hobby to an extension of my art, the art which is me.

My heart is full with so much to share right now, but I mustn't treat my fingers so badly. Thus, regrettably, I must give you the "Cliff Huxstable Notes:

Mr. Woodlands brought what seemed like 76 wings on Friday night for Rambunctious and I. After a bit of sipping and chatting about nothing, I decided to make a plate of wings. "Damn, these rolls are off the chain" I thought as a piece of the softest, most buttery roll was hanging from my mouth. I brought my completely prepared plate, back to the loveseat where m bottom seems to spend an "enormous" amount of time. "Wow, are there supposed to be so many red and black pepper flakes on these wings?" I wondered as I began to take my first bite. STOP!!!!

Those wings were so hot that my saliva wouldn't even help my mouth as I choked, coughed and frowned. Those were the hottest wings EVER, and I adore hot food. The two of them looked at me, with that face of "we'll laugh when we know she'll live". UGH. Come to find out Mr. SmartypantsWoodlands, asked for the effin hottest wings to bring to us. I guess he figured "Oh they eart hot food, this'll show em" ANGRY FACE----Those wings are still in the fridge. I hope that, they have cooled down just a bit, otherwise it's "death to em".
We laughed and laughed, with each sip poured. Some of the things we discussed were so silly that even as I am typing, my face is lit up like a Christmas tree. Then we began watching “Meet the Browns” and the laughs which spawned from this were astronomical. I kept pressing the rewind button, at the part where Mr. Brown is at the Church, for his Dad’s funeral. You know the part where he says “Put me on program” and then acts shocked when he is called up. Oh my God, my sides were hurting and my voice was slowly creeping away. Mr. Woodlands said “Liz, in all the times I’ve watched this movie, I never noticed that part.” Good times.
Fast-Forward
Saturday morning arrived so, so quickly. We scuffled around to get ready for the airport. I literally threw two pair of panties and a few toiletries in my “Neverfull” and we jetted out the door. The three of us, from the night before headed to the airport, still being silly. We arrive and I am feeling pretty proud of myself, because, I, with my ever so intelligent-self, has already printed the boarding passes. Except, when we get in the then short security line, I realize that I left the passes on the bar.
About 22 minutes later, we, the two of us now, arrived at our gate and realized that a bar was in arms reach from the gate. So, since we weren’t boarding yet, it was quickly decided that a drink would be in order. Swiftly we went to the bar. “Yes?” “I’ll have a Cabernet please.” “Yeah, make that two” Keyword being Cabernet. Yet, the barkeep, decided to hand us a small dusty bottle of Merlot. Nope, I didn’t want Merlot. It is too dry and when beverages are that dry, I always feel like the moisture from my gums will be sucked out, causing my teeth to loosen and tumble down my throat in my sleep. “Nope. I can’t feel my teeth as it is ma’am…Just give me a Jack & Coke”. The time on the clock, on my phone, in my purse read 9:01 a.m. LMAO “We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?” UUUGGGH hell no, Pepsi with Jack. That’s like powdered milk with cereal, crunchy peanut butter on softbread, unsweetened ice tea. These are the thoughts whoch were passing thru my brain. So I drank that Jack and Pepsi, all while watching our gate to see when we needed to board.
Onehour and about 11 minutes later, we were touching down in our second home area of Dallas, TX. Honey had arrived at the airport, ready to scoop us. The day was about to take an interesting turn. In fact, it’s so much to share, so let the bullet points begin:
We paid the toll at the airport-Only airport that I’ve ever been to, where a toll must be paid.
• We drove into a seemingly uninhabitated area looking for a lighter
• Mitchum deodarant
• Ched R’ Peppers
• Wow this room rocks
• “wanna sit at the pool?” No
• Insert many small arguments between the Honey and I
• “Let’s eat”
• Taco Café’. End of story
• Liquor store across from the Cowboy Bailbond
• I was cussed out for trying to buy cheap, experimental liquor, loudly. VERY LOUDLY.
• “Just get E&J”
• BLUR
• BLUR
• BLUR
• Rambunctious sleep in the air, sweaty neck mouth open-photo op
• Steamy shower
• A June bug is coming
• Is the “grind” behind a gate, like a Prison?
• Now, imagine, walking into a small establishment and poetry is in motion. Someone, who is so excited to see everyone, finds her brain going from full to half full in a matter of seconds. She’s called to the mic, but gets up headed to the mic before her name was even called. Starts a song off, very, very slow, forgets the words and does a freestyle, church, flowy thing. STOP.
• The night is now taking a turn, down a dead end. Blame that “Easy Jesus”
• A gay club named “Sue Ellens”
• “Fine, then, I’m single. You’re single. We’re all single”
…..actually, I am going to stop now. I am already hoarse from laughing, plus, if I say anymore, bad things will happen. Just know that it was a VERY eventful weekend. I really believe that TV cameras are following me. I just can’t believe that I am real person sometime, and the events which follow me. So let me leave you with this:
1. I have decided to learn to River Dance-I feel that my TV show needs new material
2. Sometime, your brakes can be metal to metal and “catch a fire”
3. Somepeople are mean in their sleep, like you may try to put your leg on them and they scream “No” and kick you in that same leg. LOL
4. The Buccees in Madisonville, TX has EVERYTHING. I got the H1N1 shot, a side of Pearbutter, crushed ice, a tattoo and a shirt with an embroidered “E” on it. (hahaha, this is a lie)
5. Live-Live-Live: No matter what happens, live. Learn from your mistakes, but then laugh about them. I assure you if it were someone else doing something stupid, you would laugh.
Be Well

The "Sun" and the "Father" is not much "farther"

After a long, yet uneventful day at work; I decided that I needed to treat myself to a long overdue nail appointment. I sat in the nailshop, and looked around me, left and right. Of course, again, I was the only chocolate woman there. Everyone watched me as I carefully walked thru the ailse of people to ensure that my hips didn't sway too much causing stares or fearfully knock something over. I sat in the pedicure chair and let some of the week's stresses melt away. My nail salon experience went well, and away I went. I decided, I mean it was Friday and all...to take a new way home. I spoke to the Honey for about 2 minutes and my phone went dead, and I just rode. I saw new developments, homes and retail places, etc..Then something awesome happened. Straight ahead, was the Sun. It was magnificient and bold. I'd never seen the sun look so wonderful and powerful. It was round and magical. Perfectly positioned and extrodinarily perfect. It seemed as though this moment stood still, for just a few seconds everything aligned and it all made sense. Quietly, I could hear the song "Eye is on the Sparrow". Then it hit me, like a light bulb "God is in control". If he can align things so perfectly to ensure that if we were any closer to the sun we'd burn and any further away we'd freeze. I mean if HE could design the world and the solar system so perfectly, certainly there is a plan for me. Who am I compared to the might of the Sun? And, who is the Sun in the shadow of the Grand Creator?

--------Pause-------

It made me see, that what I feel, what I go thru is nothing. It is so small; so insignificant that I would believe that those small things even mattered. I was instantly humbled, and ever so apologetic in my heart for every moment that I ever let stress enter my soul. I knew then that a change was in order. I had to wipe away the tangible and ever so fruitless thoughts and ideas that once clouded my mind. I understood Lauryn Hill, where she says "Nothing even matters". My God, she was right. My body. My things. My voice. It is all temporary, it is all small. I want my spirit to be an energetic contribution to this world, this home, however temporary that the Lord hath made for me. I want to know that I have done well. I need to know that my purpose is being fulfilled. So that one day, when this Elizabeth, no longer walks, sees, hears or breaths, my energy, my spirit can reside in the heavens, a degree between the sun, and the Father.


Selah People


Be well :)

28

I am coming to you, live and direct from work again. I am on a break, as I sit on hold with the IRS. Unlike most Americans I usually make my money (good money) during the year and end up with Uncle Sam's hand in my pocket around this time of year. Gee-Wiz. Can I ever get a break? Moving along, I am cold, and fighting the congestion that I have happening. I refuse to get sick. I mean, I don't have insurance yet (Thank you Mr. President for signing the new bill) and I certainly can't take off anymore time. Anyway, I feel like I just won the lottery, I am hungry as all get out and I found some applesauce in my drawer! Yess...

Moving along, I was chatting with a buddy today via messenger and we were discussing the financial ups and downs of life. Lately, I found myself doing some complaining, I've also overheard the complaining from others and I find myself, shaking my head. I want to share an experience with you. It is extremely personal, but true nontheless and it played a HUGE part in molding me into the strong woman that I am now.

It was a cold January early morning in 2008. Snow was still on the ground in front of my Condo in Jersey City, NJ. The wind chill was crazy. There was rain and lightening. In fact the sun hadn't even made it's appearance over the Atlantic yet. This is the morning that I loaded up my Chevy Impala, with everything that I could fit in it. I believe I had about $600 and a Chevron credit card to use. Clothes, a few towels, my trusty red teapot and a crock pot was jammed in my car. In the front seat was Braxton, my traveling teddy, strapped up in the seatbelt. This was the day, I left my life and former Partner behind. I was terrified, hurt and hopeful at the same time. I had work. My Company in NJ transfered me back to Georgia (ATL) and so at least that was ok. I hit 95 South and did not look back. When I finally made it thru the mountains, woods and other awesome things...Like, did you know that there is a "Pochahantas National Park" in Virginia?? I was really in shock to see that. The mountains greatness drowned out my tears and every so often, I would get out of the car and simply scream. Finally, as I merged with I-85 South, I made it into Georgia late that night. 12 or 13 hours of driving. Fastforward, I spent many nights crying or wondering where my next meal would come from. But in the midst of it all, I found a Church to attend and the teachings were right on point. I would give an financial offering every single time, even if it was my last; because beneath it all, I knew that my God was larger than any problem or hurt that I experienced. I learned to trust in the things not seen. I learned to be strong, even when I wanted to be weak.

-----------------Fast Forward-------------------
When I finally got an apartment, I remember sitting on my air matress with my bedroom patio door open, listening to the wind and reading my book. I can remember this moment like it was yesterday. A sense of peace enveloped my body so suddenly. It was like I was made somewhat whole and reminded that I am alive, and thus the fight was not over. I only had that air matress, about 4 towels, my crockpot and teapot, some hand me down plates, a shower curtian and a bottle of white wine. But I didn't owe anything shit for what I did have. From that moment onward, things only went uphill. I received, to date, my largest tax return. I purchased furniture. I put money in savings. I joined a ministry at church. I was promoted to Branch Manager at my Staffing Company and saw about a 20K salary increase, in what seemed like overnight. All of these things happened in about 30-days. That was the year that I turned 29 years old. I learned a few vital things, and if you don't mind I'd like to share:

1. We are stronger than we know. As long as we have life in our bodies we can accomplish ANYTHING which we desire.
2. You don't know who you are, even when you think you know. It's only after extreme test and trial that the real you comes out, and is refined to expose a person that you had no idea existed.
3. Never, ever put all of your eggs in one basket. It's not a good look to be broke and broken hearted.
4. **Seed sowing is real** In the physical and spiritual realm, you can not keep planting the same seed and not see the fruit. Some fruit grow faster than others, depending on the timing, climate and soil. But when you hold your course, fruitful results Always come to pass.

Be well :)

Ode to Kitty

Lunch, with the girls is always needed. Of course, I am still a ball of nerves from this morning. But whatever…

Barbie Doll and Rambunctious met me at “The Spot” and without ever missing a beat we jumped into random conversations. I shared my tid bits, and so did the Ladies. However, some way; somehow Barbie Doll’s story took over and seemed more interesting than the group of men sitting behind us, the waiters white teeth, or the bread that I was scarfing down my throat.

“I had a dream that my cat had been sprayed but another vicious cat that someone let me borrow. So since I had to go to work, I locked the two cats up in a closet (I think). When I returned home from work, the vicious cat, had bitten the other cats hind legs all the way off. I remembered thinking, Wow, there’s no blood. This cat ate the legs off very clean”.
Have you let this part sink in yet? LMAO Our faces were slightly shocked and confused as we listened to this interesting story. It actually gets worst. In between the sips of “beverage”, the Barbie Doll continued this story. Long story short, she brought the missing-leg-cat to the vet and convinced the clinic staff to “put her to sleep” . Well after the cat died, the Vet told her that the cat’s legs were still there and they ended up killing a perfectly good cat. (Laughing so hard even now as I recall this and type it). So basically she’d convinced the whole clinic that the cat was missing her hind legs, when really she was not.
Lunch continued, interestingly and delightfully.
I digress.

I hope after reading this you have better insight into who I am, and the characters of my real-life sitcom.
My Honey and I are not speaking at the moment and for that I am quite sad. I pray that things get better. Until then, I will keep a smile on my face by remembering this interesting little lunch story.

Almost doesn't count-And it never, ever will in this lifetime

I am freezing my ass off once again at work. My vision is blurry and my head is pounding. It seems that these headaches are increasing by the week. This is new. But I know it is all stress related. My Manager just sent a very lengthy email giving us updates on our performance as a group, showing us how "far behind we are" on our goals. I read every single word and ensured that it sank so far deep inside me that I could almost predict the next line. At the end of the email; he reminds us of what we AGREED to do when we were hired and how we are expected to keep our end of the bargain. Finally he said "almost meeting your goal is not the same as meeting our goal". WOW He is totally correct. He is just telling it like it is. (Add this to my existing stress bag, I wonder if it will fit).

I believe that this premise is the same in ALL relationships. There is an interview process, where you date and figure out if it's a good fit. Of course we only show our best side in the interview process; but when you realize that the person you interviewed and the person that you actually hired are two different people. It makes you wonder: WTH is really going on?

All I can say is, almost doesn't count. If you are not doing what you are supposed to do, what choice does one have?

You know the rest.

I am signing out to get some work done. I must exhaust all of my resources.

I don't even have a name for this blog

It was a typical Friday at work. The ladies and I were trying to complete various tasks. I was busy working, but my mind was torn in a million different directions. I was still pissed from the night before. The night that I managed to clean the entire home, cook dinner and still take time with the two year old all in a matter of two hours. The anger started on the inside of me and grew until I could hear it speaking in my body. I couldn't figure out how I could accomplish all of that and "The Honey" NEVER even seems to come close to such an accomplishment. I know that I shouldn't compare, but we all do it. I have been told by her that, I don't hold a candle to some of the people in her past when it comes to certain things. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, but, I am one of those ambitious "doers" I don't have to be asked to do anything, if it needs to be done, I simply DO IT. But whatever, we're all soooooo different, RIGHT? In the midset of my angst, I messaged "Barbie Doll" and asked her if she wanted to do lunch. She lives in walking distance from my "Slave Field" also known as Work. We went to a charming little place, that I've passed for months now. I enjoyed the best Shrimp and Crawfish Etoufee that I have ever tasted. Every single bite, sip, slurp was so flavorful and delicious. Yummo. The Barbie Doll and I discussed relationships and their ups and downs. We discussed how it feels to carry the weight of it all. We discussed how some people woo you and do everything seemingly perfect just to get you and once they have you "situations seem to change". It is interesting how these things always happen. But I digress. By the end of the lunch, I had a smile on my face; at least a feaux (tee-hee) smile that did the trick. My friend would not allow me to see the bill, or even come close to it. What a wonderful time that was. I felt like I was on a real lunch date. How I miss those.

Fast Forward, back to work. The frustrations were running high as a door. The "Blonde" as usual wasn't carrying her share of the burden and making a ton of excuses for it. It was always because of this or that, that she was unable to get the job done. I hate people with a million EFFIN excuses. Please save it and just "get er done". I have just as much on my plate as most people, if not more and I get the job done. We watched her leave the office one hour early because she stayed an extra hour the day before. WOW, we are salaried and it was one day. What happened to being a team player? People and their half ass attempts piss me off. REALLY, PISS ME OFF. Fast forward, the day ended in a successful way for me. I accomplished some really awesome things and got started on some of my new work tasks with the Contracts, etc..

On the drive home, 1.5 hours on this day. "Barbie Doll" followed behind me, because we had to prepare for "The Honey's" lil' get together. The drive was stressful and tiring. More than usual. Probably because I only got 2 hours of sleep the night before. We arrived home, liquor in hand, ready to get it poppin'. Only a handfull of people arrived as time progressed holding more liquor. Eventually, we were lifted and twisted. Time seemed to pass with grace. Laughs, shows and BS started to occur. As usual, the night went into the a.m. I ended up passing out to sleep; as I usualy do. Operation "Get together success".

As I think about this past week and this weekend, I have no choice but to smile. I know, that God has positioned me right where I need to be for this time in my life. I know that I supposed to learn about Money Management and Patience; but sometime I wish I could take the easy way out, like I used to do. This is hard!! But I know that there is value in every experience and this one is just refining me, and preparing me for the wonder that is in store for me.

Love

This will probably be my most intimate posting, or if not; it's definitely the most intimate as of now.

I am just a regular human being like you, and you and you. But I know what love is. At least with all that I am now, and my 30.5 years on this earth. I know that when someone says that they love you; they are just words. But now when you combine them with deed, you activate them somehow and cause real breath to bring them to life.

Love squeezes everything that you think you have and finds a way to replenish even when you believe that you are completely empty. It makes you dig, deeper and deeper to find new ways to make the people you love a litle bit happier and more comfortable.

But love is not just words. Love is not forced. Love is not only shown for display purposes. Love IS tangible. You can touch it, feel it, smell it and it even see it.

I've heard "I love you" uttered from many people in my short life. But I know that only about 3/4ths of them meant it. I am so thankful, to have real people in my life today who love me. When my friends listen to my dreams, pains and anxiety moments on a daily basis, I know that they love me. When my sisters, make an extra plate of pasta, or hand me back the money that I owe them, or picks me up some mascara that I can't afford at the moment for no apparent reason, I know that they love me. When my Parents write me letters in the wee hours of the night, just to support me and cheer me on, I am certain that they love me. When my Partner will go out of her way to make sure that I am not uncomfortable in anyway, I feel her love. But when someone takes something from me, lies to me, hides from me or chooses to only deal with me (and mine) when they need something, I am forced to taste the nasty flavor that does not even remotely resemble love.

Let me leave you with this Kings & Queens-
No one is perfect. We all have our ups and downs; but we when know better we have to do better. Which means that sometime we will out grow some people and things and leave them in the place that they chose to be. But that doesn't mean that we have to stop loving them. We just learn to love them from a distance.

Easy, Brea"z"y, Beautiful Southern Girls

I am sitting here at my desk quite moodless, getting ready to really dive into my work day. I am bundled up in a sweater type shawl, because it feels like a Pennsylavanian winter in this place. Just now, I am realizing that this shawl hasn't been washed in a while and has the small smell of fish-sticks and a brown gravy. I am not sure why I even shared that. Moving along, I am somewhat smiling inside as I think about a few things:

1. It's my Honey's Birthday. She is a few years younger than I (sometime it is more noticeable than not); and is embarking on an age where everything is still so "wide open". I am so thankful that I was blessed to spend the day with her, because she could be sharing her moment with anyone else, anywhere else. Yet, at midnight, I pulled my granny panties up over my navel and began a "praise dance" kinda birthday-dancy-thingamagig just for her. Yes, I was out of breath in under 3 minutes, but I really "got it in" just for her. Then I sang the Birthday song, presenting her with a cupcake with a small candle positioned just so. Her smile lingers even now.

2. Last night, the girls and I had a much needed "St. Patty's Day" evening together. It started off freezing as Rambunctious decided to sit us outside under a canopy with winds whirling around us like a circus act. Ok-OK, the wind wasn't doing all that. But Damn-it, it was chilly. Eventually thanks to "Hair Stylist" we were inside with our Lamb Stew, Brazed wings, Titos Martini's, Fish Tacos and Sliders. We laughed and laughed. We talked about our birthdays past and two of the four expressed their birthday frustrations. We discussed how our lives have changed. Mostly mine. My new responsibilities and how things aren't quite how they used to be. We laughed about bad sex stories, crazy teeth, fitted sheets and "an 8 year old Alf Sippy Cup lover". As the tears poured from my right eye in laughter, I watched how it seemed time stood still for just a few seconds and I saw just how perfect my friends really are. I don't mean perfect in the "God" kinda way, I mean; perfect for me. Though we have so much in common, we are so different and it is so healthy and encouraging. At this junction in life, we're all making progressive steps toward life change. It feels so good to have "drama free friends" who want to see each other grow and do well. It is a must that we do this again....Saturday, road trip, perhaps?? SMH now.

Reality is smothering me fast, with one paw in my nostril and the other around my neck. Even though last night was hilarious and refreshing, I am still about 3.5 seconds from a massive breakdown. MY PLATE RUNNETH OVER. Literally. I am not complaining, just venting-Amendment one endorses this message :) Between the lengthy commute, the back biting at work and the slight transitional chaos at home, I fear that I will snap and snap soon. I don't mean to sound irresponsible, by any means-But I am NOT meant to work for others. I've known this for some time now. I am much to forward thinking, dominant, and creative to be forced in a box to be someone or something that I am not. Everyday, I thank God for my blessings...for allowing me to have a means to provide for me and mine in such financially challenging times; yet my stomach turns when I walk in the door to work. There are only 7 of us in our group; yet the women back bite, constantly. I am the only Black person here and on a daily basis I am asked questions like "What does SSGFL" mean?" Then they turn every "g" into gangster and ask me again, like because I am black, I should know such accronyms and slangs. UH NO!! When my Partner picks me up from work, I get strange looks. If I am two minutes late from lunch, I am greeted with everyone standing in a huddle, which quickly dismembers once I am in their vision. I feel as though I am but an island. I digress. It is what it is for now. Believe me, I am not just venting without a plan. When I get fed up with the whole situation, a move will be made. But for now, until God makes it clear, I will stand still. Sometime you have to just stay put. The bible even discussed how God prepares a table for his people. I imagine it like "The Fantastic 4" going to a fine restarant and waiting for such a long time, feet hurting and hungry. Only to see a partially cleared off table...of course we run to it and by default are serviced. But between every bite, the discomfort sets in, as we have no silverware, condiments or napkins. Not to mention the dirty glasses remaining on the table from the previous guest. So of course, we think we got what we wanted. But we are not experiencing the best experience, because we didn't wait for our table to be prepared. (Selah) "check please"

Guess, I am checking out of this posting. I sure hope you get something from it, if even a smile.

Peace and Blessings Children of Jah :)

I'll Take Eleven on the Hard-Rocks, please???

It was a beautiful breezy day. The sun was shining ever so brightly, yet the wind still had a way of wrapping around my body ever so gently, to remind me that we were still on Winter's time. I was completing my 2nd Samuel Adams Draught, when I began to think about who I was, or more importantly, who I used to be. I asked myself if I was truly living for me, and the cause that I believe I'd been hand chosen for, or if I was still secretly, deep down inside living for someone, or something else. Right about the time that the wheels in my head were rolling around, making right and left turns, the like; just like a Television show came "Girl #1". Oh, I failed to mention we were meeting at a well known Houston establishment, to wish our good pal B.J. "happy travels" and somewhat of a farewell and she and the hubby ventured up North (Obama style). Just as sure as the sun and moon, eventually the Girls started pouring in, in total diva style. Each of us our own shape, size, complexion and beat. Damn, I love my girls. But Girl 1 and I had the most interesting chat. She decided to pour out some burried feelings and I absorbed them as I do. I learned about her pain as a child, and how she tried so hard to live for degenerate people who didn't seem too concerned with themselves or her accomplishments. She later explained how that childhood, slowly developed into her young womanhood where she was asked on her wedding anniversary by her Husband for a divorce. I remember thinking to myself "This little Lady has endurance". I mean you would have to know her to understand. She is, in my opinion a perfect, imperfection. Long flowing hair, beautiful brown skin and a charming personality. I guess, even Barbie Dolls can get played. Soooo, of course this conversation took on a face of its own in my head as I tried to understand why people cheat and what on earth did Men really want. I also remembered saying "I am so happy I don't date them" because I'd be even more confused (Oh yeah, I tried that straight and narrow road this summer and I ended up more confused than before. I mean it was fun, somewhat, sometime...But NOT. FOR. ME.) I also remember thinking that; you really never know who a person is, or why they do what they do by looking at them. Some of us (ESPECIALLY ME) are really hurt creatures, who never got a chance to heal properly, so we go with the flow, covering the wounds as best we can and trying not to seem bitter. Damn. Damn. Damn.

As time progressed, and the waitress became innundated with requests for our "Grown up Beverages"; so did the laughs. In no time, there was a table of some of Houston's finest. The conversation went from "The Poetry Session" from the previous night, "relaxing the throat", "Just try sticking your fingers in there", to "is eating ______ all that hard", to "let's get lifted" to, "He'll beat my ass if I try that". I am laughing as a type this because unless you know us, the magnitude of these dealings will seem cool and understated.

I always enjoy how our topics can start so innocently, i.e. "Did you see the new coupons for NY & Co?" To "Yep, we slept together". It's hilarious. I absolutely love it all.

Of course, since I was the first one there, I also was the first to leave. I needed to go spend some time with my Grandmama. It was time and she needed me more than ever. I bid the Girl's a heartfelt farewell and exited the scene.


Let me leave you with this:
It's ok to be hurt. Acknowledge. Determine that you won't allow it to victimize you. Go forth.

Be open about who you are, who you think you are, and what you want to do...You never know a little "Patty Cake" across the table, may have already done it and may be able to guide you "blow by blow".

(LMAO) And, I'm OUT!! Be easy Kings and Queens, otherwise, we just make it "HARD".

Blank and Blah

Greetings Kings & Queens

So, so, so much has happened since we last spoke. I’ve gotten started on this posting at least 4 or 5 times, only to get defeated by the magnitude of the events surrounding each carefully designed day.

The universe is moving, working and growing. Every seed sown is coming to harvest, even now. The good, the bad and the in different. Where shall I begin?

It hurts when someone who you consider a friend or at least they were on the upward path from Associate to Friend betrays you. Or maybe betrayal is too harsh, but when someone whom you genuinely care about allows pride, defensiveness and outside influences cause them to become something or someone else..it tears at your soul. So we’ll refer to this person as “Miami”. Miami made a comment on my facebook page, which made me feel that she was insinuating something, based on info that her significant other “messily” told me a week or so prior. Long story short Miami and I go at each other’s throat on face book. Finally, I put a plug in it..until Miami’s psycho “have nothing, be nothing” ass In-significant other decided to start cussing me out via text message. I chose NOT to respond to the text message. I was getting slight flashbacks of 8th or even 9th grade. Thus, I kindly asked “Miami” to ask her “piece of shit” to cease and desist sending me text messages. Miami and I also got some things out in the open via email. But sadly too much had been said, assumed and ignited. In fact, I knew that Miami was the fuel to the entire fire. It was all a tragic attempt to overshadow the fact that in spite the LOUD claims which she made to leave this leech-abuser that she was with, she once again returned home to the warm “abusing” arms of her IN-significant other. Smoke and Mirrors, people…I tell ya, smoke and effin mirrors. Meanwhile insignificant-other continued to send me “obscene text messages”; finally I answered this way “Let this be your last time sending messages to my phone. I am soooooo serious. Adults, don’t hide behind poorly written text messages. Now, if you are dead set on confronting me, you are welcomed to come to house and take up whatever matter with me”.-----All text messages ceased.

At the end of the day, all I could think about was “unevenly yoked”. I am shaking my head even as I type this. I have such high hopes and deep dreams for my Sisters in this world. My first hope is that we learn how to love ourselves, so strongly that we are never tempted to get involved with anyone who doesn’t meet our needs or gives us the slightest inkling of negativity.

My energy is all depleted from this. I will write some more tomorrow…Blah