Sooooo Random

I am about to share some very personal things....Someone, pour me a drink..and Damn, I miss my Fantastic 4. R, T & T where are you? Let me just say this before I begin. I love my girls with total passion. Don't get me wrong, I have some awesome Childhood friends: K.P, J.A, B.P and the list goes on. But the fantastic 4 is a very interesting group. We are the 30 something (minus 1) ladies, who have it all "Beauty, Class, Charisma, Education and NO REAL RESPONSIBILITIES". We pride ourselves, even in this dim hour that we're all traveling in, on the fact that we can do what we want when we want. We say what we feel, regardless of who is listening. We wear what we want. We wear big, bold, borderline, nappy big/curly hair. We laugh loud and we drink like grown, plus sized fish on the Coast of Mexico with a small side of lime. The point is, they are my Platonic Soul Mates. Even if we miss days w/o talking, we pick up as though we never missed a beat.(Sidebar-Beware the person who really doesn't have friends. Friends are important, and healthy extensions to our lives. They remind us to keep it together. They call us on our shit and ultimately help us stay grounded in this fake ass world). So ladies, I need to see you very soon. Just us!!

Today, I am realizing just how my life is about to change. It is slowly, no scratch that, quickly becoming somewhat SELFless. UGH. I have learned that I am very selfish with myself. I enjoy my freedom. So as I look over at the 2 year old screaming in my ear asking for water, only so he can pour half of it on the ground...I realize now that part of me, goes to him. Not only him but his Mother. Am I ready?? Hell NO!! I don't know the first thing about children. I don't know anything about Mothers (we'll save that subject for another time). I don't know how this child having 2 Mother figures in his life will affect him. I don't know how to save some of me, for him. I am confused and overwhelmed. But the love that I have in my heart won't let me run away in the usual Liz form. Because, after he screams in my ear, bites my leg, pulls my hair, asks me a million "baby talk questions", he will come and kiss me. He'll come and need to be in my arms so that he feels safe. He will come and try to scare me and I will laugh until tears fall because of his facial expressions which are so involved in his actions. Love is an interesting thing. You can't control it. I am secretly wondering if my love will be enough. What if I am NOT up to the challenge?? What if I fail? Oh well; the thought of failure has never stopped me before, so I am going to give this my all. And when I mess up, because I will mess up, I will say that I am sorry, pick us both up and try again. I pray that his Mother will be patient with me, because I am clueless and it will not come overnight.

Right now, as I crunch several pieces of ice in my hot ass mouth (hahahaha, I still haven't brushed my teeth yet); I am wondering what I can do differently in 2010 to seperate my previous attempts into success. I am not for making New Years Resolutions, per se. I am so far passed that. I just need a change. I need the intrinsic desire to step out of the revolving door of BS (as I call it) with matters of my health and my decision making process. I have learned so much. But what good does it do to know and do NADA? Hmmmmm...

I am sober now for 48 hours! And for the record. Sober-ness is overrated (and yes RCM, I know that I should have used "sobriety" as opposed to making up a new word; but I love my made up words). Drinking is good for you, unless it is taking over your whole life. i.e. "Liz why didn't you go to work today?" "Uhhh, because I am DRUNK" this is when you should see the Mormons or the People on A&E for Intervention or something of equal proportions.

Jack and Coke!!! I hope that when the Honey Returns, she has a small sack of Alcoholic Beverages. This 2 year old has worked my nerves. His shirt looks like Chef Boyardee used it in his first batch of food. He is trying to stick a necklace inside of a bottle of water, all while holding a metal Sponge Bob Chair.

I miss my Sisters. I wish that they understood me better. Now, I am NOT one of those Artsy people who feels that "no one" understands me. Because I have tried to explain my need for Quiet when I am at a Cross Road within myself. I have tried to explain that my life is a wee bit different from theirs. I am NOT married. I don't have children or animal children depending on me. I am not as "settled" or fixed in one area. Which means that I have the freedom to get involved with more things, many come with challenges. It also means that when I fall, I lack the luxury of a peaceful rest at night because when I write my check for my bills, I don't have that 2nd income to cushion the account. Thus my thinking is slightly different. I just want that to be respected. Hmmmmm

Right now, my only real prayer is for PEACE! I want to rest at night and wake up well rested. I want to know that I can pay all of my bills. I want my quiet time to reflect and write or do whatever it is that I need to do. I want to open my closet and know that I have the right attire for any occasion. I just want the peace that transcends all understanding. Well, a dream deferred!! I digress. People, I wish you all Peace and Blessings.