Just another Monday afternoon

My mind is bursting at the seams with thoughts, desires, hopes, disappointments and most of all exhaustion. There are times that I feel that paper, or screens will not be able to understand my message thus it may lay dormant hoping that the next generation will see thru the rhetoric and jargon; and get to know me. Then there are times that I am afraid to write, with fear that someone will find a way to make my words and my feelings about them. When in fact, it clearly reads “Liz Life Café”…because it is mine. In spite the clear writings on the wall, my first amendment rights are questioned; as if going thru all of my personal thoughts/things are not enough. I digress…
I am exhausted today. My mind, my body and my soul feels drained. I love everyone in my life, and everyone has a purpose. But every call made today, in spite my reason to speak; I was always cut off and asked for something. Before I could barely utter hello, I was overwhelmed or shall I say almost choked to death with someone’s requests, demands, questions and stories. I just sat there, thinking “this is why”. My boredom is overwhelming me; and I make no apologies for it. I’ve never seen a caged butterfly. I keep telling myself to remain still and quiet until I am certain of my next move, but again my heart, my mind and my body are conflicted. I am almost afraid to continue speaking as my words keep spilling out of me because some usually feel the need to react, once again assuming this is about them, when in fact, I proclaim, it is all about me. Wow, when did I start caring of what people thought? Who the hell have I become? Hmmm
Restless and tired my body goes slumped in the chair starring at my monitor, attached to my desk. Hoping for even a grasp of a dream. A good one. One with light melodies and zephyr gently passing over my body, freeing me of the realities of pain, decisions and challenge. But that thought in itself, is the dream. (I’m laughing at myself, wishing I had the strength to let it out)
Today, I feel that the movie skipped. Ya know the movie or play that I am starring in? Usually I flow fairly well, the button in my back is programmed to bathe, sleep, eat, work, repeat…but today, it seems that there is a glitch. I just exist for this day. No real productivity has been birthed from my womb. I don’t believe that I have smiled once. I am not pointing fingers or passing blame on anyone. This is my world, and I created it, as usual using my heart in spite the scriptures warning me against the use of my heart because it is tainted with passion. I just wish that I could pull myself from this state of darkness, even for just a moment to be reminded of God’s light, his grace and his mercy. I have NOT been completely faithful with what the Universe has offered me. I have spent my time, my thoughts and my money on fruitless people and things. Of what good may this come? Of what good may this come? Even now, I have taken a moment from the mundane to throw my feelings on the mercy of this document. I was once known as a girl, intrinsically motivated. I had my own internal clock and motivator pushing me forward, reminding me of the goal. Now, the voice of reason has been muffled and I am so confused. I find myself praying until I fall asleep, or until the tears come. Or until the tears come…