Ten isn't always an indication of perfection

I am sitting here watching some meaningless t.v. show and tears are streaming from my face. Everything seems out of order, and I know I am the catalyst. I am at the center of the disarray and I am all out of sorts trying to locate a solution. Bills are due. The Two Year Old has some weird allergic reaction to an unknown substance. The Honey is stressed about her work situation, weight gain and eye ache. I am upset because I can not fix these problems. Oh the woes of a control freak. I feel that I am too young to deal with so many things sometime. But then I am reminded of my supernatural experience on Friday, with the Sun; and how my matters and my tears are small in comparison to the great plan. God, I need you right now. Do you hear me? These are not the tears of an unhappy person. Let me try to explain: Have you ever had all of the ingredients for a dish and in spite your preparation attempts, it still does not come out right? This is how I feel. Couple all of these things with Pearl Mae Sue AKA PMS, I am a mess. Shaken, not stirred.

Tomorrow, my neice will be 18 years old. I am very proud of the young lady that she has become and is becoming. I am also remembering what it is like to be 18 years-young. Ahh the possibilities. I pray that she make decisions based on her gut and no one elses and most importantly, that she is always able to stand on her own two feet in good health. Amen

Why am I not counting my blessings, instead of counting these bills? Because, in spite your strength and your spiritual understanding, at the end of the day we are mere mortal. And, what is SEEN; I mean the "happening" of right now is taking presedence and seemingly so huge. But, I keep saying to myself that it is only temporary. Another gate to cross, so that I may get to the grassy pastures.

This brings me to another time in my life that I feel moved to share:

I was 20 years old. I was about to get married and my Parents had just divorced. I remember feeling like the world would end. Now some of you may be saying "It's just divorce"; or maybe I should be lucky that my Parents were together, if ever. Perhaps; and I am way passed thankful. But my Parents are part of a religion that seemingly is anti-everything. They hold the writings in the book that most call the Bible as very true and stringent, for eternal death would certainly follow anything less. My Parents were my rock. I didn't know God, or the Universe or what it meant to even be me. It was all stock in my Parents and their example. Parents are meant to be the RE-presentation of Jehovah God in the earth (The Great I AM). They are to show their children what sacrifice, love and dedication truly means. This is how we learn who we are, in God. So, when my foundation tore, it exposed me for the nothing that I was. Getting married seemed logical. I would show my Parents what it meant to remain comitted. I would bury the pain in a marriage. Sadly, none of these plans worked. I only became more confused and torn. Soon, I resented everything and everyone. My then husband and I were fighting daily. He could never do enough. I could never do enough. I would have these breakdowns, and try to keep them private. He would get angry with me when I would not be open and say or do mean things. He spent every dime he earned. He overdrew every single one of my accounts. He made whim decisions, leaving me to clean the mess, physically and financially. I had no support. I decided that it was too much to bear. I would simply take my own life. It's a clear memory, even now, despite the fact that I have shoved it under the file cabinent marked "Do Not Disturb" in my brain. I overdosed on prescribed medication, until I was unconcious. The rest is history....

On last night, I had trouble sleeping as the weight of life started to close in on me. I remembered this time in my life and became so sorryful. I whimpered in my sleep and right about the moment where I was "beating myself up" mentally, a calm came over my body. A voice said "Elizabeth, if God can forgive you, why can't you forgive you?" Just like that, I knew that I had to toughen up. I knew that I needed to let go of what I thought I knew, what I thought was right, where I used to be, and what I used to want. This is NOW and how I deal with the "now" will affect the rest of my days. I am given yet another chance to write my destiny. So the question is: How will I manage my life, with what I know and have NOW?

_________________________________________________________ (No answer yet)

Let me leave you with this Kings & Queens:
Life is interesting. But the quality thereof is in our hands. It doesn't matter who we were, what happened then or the cards dealt. We can learn to play a good hand, maybe, just maybe even win.