Painting me

I think that I am having an unattractive year. I don’t think it will stay that way. My Libra scales are all over the place and I am desperately seeking balance. There are times where I feel all over the place, like; I have so much to do, but not enough me to make it happen. Have you ever felt that way?
Things are about to turn around though. I believe it and have decided to keep professing and confessing this, until it comes to pass. My words are mighty in power, so I believe.
I want to achieve so, so much. I have the potential to do great things, yet I spite me. My decisions and “Ms. Fix it” complex has slowed down my rewards process. I digress. (sighs) It is what it is and I am learning. I am now able to pin point why certain things are happening to me and around me.
Most of the time, I feel that my creative juices are brewing so robust in my soul, that by the time some of them come to surface, it is like one big and colorful mess. As I write this, I am thinking about “Trailblazing and Trying”; I wonder how my T’s are doing. I guess a call is in order. I miss our lunches, or at home happy hours. My crew is truly an amazing bunch. Thankful hardly describes it.
Damn, I am super sleepy. I need some real rest. I have so much to tackle today. I need a cup of coffee or at least permission to sleep at my desk for about 30 minutes. Blah Now, random questions are running thru my mind like: Since I am a ball of energy, why can’t I plug my cell phone in to me to be recharged? Hmmmm
Now, I am wondering what is happening inside of me. Deeply, between my heart and my mind. I used to be a very kind and compassionate person. Now, I feel like a ticking time bomb at times. So many things irritate me. I am extremely demanding. I say what I feel, right then, no matter the tone. It just spews out. I keep telling myself that I don’t want to be that way. I try to backtrack to figure out how I arrived in such a place. I am somewhat certain that I am scarred due to a former broken heart, several broken promises, and being forced to “struggle alone” back in 2008. I asked God to strengthen me, and He did. But I am now strong, and selfish with it. As long as I am ok, it doesn’t matter what anyone else is going thru. This is how I act more times than few. I am so scared to be hurt. So scared to be completely open. Fear is terrible. I know it resides at the root of it all. This is sad because, I finally have someone so loving and supportive in my life. She finds everything about me so awesome and sexy. She can gaze at me for moments at a time. She puts lotion on my legs and feet after a shower. She oils my hair and scalp. She sits with me when I am feeling all mixed up. I love her more than I can ever explain. I get choked up with emotion when I think of her. I wish that my true feelings could come to surface when she needed to hear them most. Like, I would say “ I admire you Baby. You’ve done so much, by yourself. I understand why there are certain things that you don’t know, and it’s because you never had anyone to teach you. I wish I had your courage and your optimism.” Hmmmm
Let me end this blog now before the tears formulate. I am ever so moved by the intensity of the love that one can feel in their heart for another. I am in awe by the magnitude of the passion that I experience or have experienced these past few months. Either I must embrace this art called love, or I will end up once again a blank or even worst, unfinished canvass.