Great art thou faithfulness

I really wish that I came with a manual. Not just for others but for me. Last night was one of those nights that I wished I could have checked the index to figure out what I needed to do to be better.

What you may not know about me is that I am quite self aware. I love psyhcology...the understanding of why we do what we do, where it stems from; etc...Now that I've prefaced the next topic with that fun tidbit; let me let you know now that I have ISSUES. I am extremely Passionate about so many things. I feel just about every emotion on a weekly basis. When I am hurt, I cry. When I am happy, I write and sing. When I am confused, I read or try to get to the soul of the matter and fix it. I am not one of those people who tuck a matter under a rug in an effort to act as though it doesn't exist. I am REAL; as the sun. It just is, what it is. I don't try to sugar coat things, I put myself out there. Now underneath this Tower of seeming strength, know-how and charisma is a scared little girl, who hasn't a clue from one moment to the next. Everything that I do, is by trial and error. I lack some of the basic/fundamental skills that most young ladies are either born with or taught by, perhaps their Mothers. Most of the "Womanly" things in which I've experienced in life has either been taught by my friends, television, books or Daddy.

My Mother didn't have a secular job like most of the Mom's I know. I believe that she was somewhat fortunate. My Father was able to support the family of 4, allowing baby sis and I to have two parents always present, clean home, clean clothes and hot balanced meals daily. We never entered our home alone, for the most part someone was also there. The other side of the coin on this matter is that my Mom had no real "worldly experience". She wasn't savvy about real life issues, politics, the new Computer Systems (though it was the 80's) or workplace Politics. *Sidebar* My Mom is of mixed descent, so on top of looking somewhat different from me, speaking differently, having family with blue and green eyes and wavy hair...Which means that to her-All Men were the same. Now, of course the activist that I am stands by our Constitutional rights which clearly declares that All men are created equally...but when you are a small black kid in the 80's; it's somewhat hard to feel "equal". My Mother taught me things like: Holding a note, singing with clarity, cleaning up my mess and how to "rob Peter to pay Paul'. She also taught me things like "If you want to get more, you most prove that you are first responsible with the little that you've been trusted with". For that, I am ever thankful. But my Mom is/was severly bi-polar. Most of my life, I saw up and down behavior. She held grudges. Was unforgiving. Would allow the smallest things to derail her day. She was vindictive. She rarely answered questions to the point. She had to go around the whole damn bush just to get to the point. She didn't take constructive criticism well. She believed everything was an attack. I often wondered as a small kid: What the hell did she have to prove? I hated the fact that she cared what people thought of her. She dressed sharply, but for acceptance. She would spend the last cent on fashoin. Everything for her was image. I was robbed the opportunity to be a real kid at times....We couldn't get dirty. She was sooo overprotective. Oh yeah, did I mention she didn't drive for a while, so we had to depend on others to get around. Which meant no play dates, no real interaction with others. It was she, baby sis and I most of the time. As time progressed and I developed "a point of view" she and I would bump heads, as I challenged her "My way or the highway" frame of rules. If it wasn't this sort of issue, it was me totally appaled by her need to ask my Father if she could buy a dress or pair of shoes because she never had her own money. Oh yeah, or her trail and error mental illness medication which left her listless, angry, bitter or zombielike far too many times to recite.

Why did I just share that? I guess it was finally time. My understanding of what and a Mother should be is distorted. I am confused by the whole affair. I am not angry with her. I understand her now. But that doesn't get my years back. It doesn't heal the hole in my heart. It doesn't comfort me, when I really need the loving arms of a Mom to hold me and reassure me that things will be ok. But God is good...let the choir say "all the time"....because I could use these issues to keep me from moving forward; but I don't. I have been blessed with older sisters, a wonderful step mom and a Superhero Father...and of course great friends and a fantastic (mostly) Partner to help keep me grounded, to love and support me through it all.

So let me leave you with this:

1. If you have been selected by Grand Design to be a Mother, take it seriously. All Mom's "eff" their kids up...but at least try your best to love, nurture and teach your child(ren) to properly communicate. Affirm them, so that when they are older they have nothing to prove.

2. If you notice a recurring situation in your life, it isn't everyone else...it's "Self" So take a moment to understand the laws of attraction and what you can do to properly represent self.

Peace & Blessings (I need to rest now)