Embracing the uncertainty

Writing freely. Like red, well-fermented wine the thoughts seem to simply pour out. I better grab a bigger glass, or a second glass before I make a complete mess of things. Me making a mess of things "aint-nothing" new. But this isn't about me. Oops, my bad; this is my blog so it may be about me after all.

Tonight someone asked me a question which has been tapping at my cranium for at least the past hour. She said "Is fear driving you? Or, is love?"

See there comes a time in your life where, you cannot lie to anyone anymore. Let alone, lie to yourself. I quickly answered, before a lie even had a chance to form and said "Fear is.............." Fear of losing the person that I love the most. Fear that I'll forever walk with a limp. Fear of the fact that 2nd chances are stupid. Fear of turning 33 this year and not knowing the direction my life will take. Fear that my investments will see no return. (and if you are thinking about money, you are so far off base. Because everything to me is an investment. I give 110% to everything/everyone that I do. You can replace currency. But you cannot replace time. You cannot repair the reprehensible damage done to the heart as long as your memory serves its purpose.)

God knows I've tried to rip off my cloak of control. Why me worry? I ask myself this in the quiet times of my mind. And for a few small moments the obsessions about things that I cannot control eases up. I begin to remember who I am, and what I want and what I love to do. And, as soon as I get to that place, that peace which transcends all understanding begins to wrap all around me, cocooning me in a blanket of joy.

I'm one of those all or nothing gals. I am a true Libra. While I am fair, and loyal and just and blah, blah, blah. I rarely find balance. If I am "on" then I am all the way on. But when I am "off"; I turn all the way off and it never really goes back to how it was. It's strange like that. Love it or Love it. LOL (No room for hate in my world. Life can be tough enough.)

Digression period starts now.

Tonight, I had part one of an interview for a Natural Hair Documentary. Do you know how refreshing it feels to just "let it all out?" It feels damn good. I realized that I carry a torch. I speak for those who lack the courage to speak. I represent the face of the African Queen. I represent what it means to be a real woman in a world so full of the surreal. My interviewer said "Liz how would you describe yourself?" I quickly answered, as though I'd known this answer all alone- A PASSIONATE BALL OF CHAOS.

I am chuckling now as I read what I am writing. But that is me. I mean well. God knows I do. And let it be known only HIS opinion of me matters. As only HE can judge and sentence me. You mortals and your ignorance may take a seat on the back of the bus for all I care. Anyway, I realize that sometimes my intentions go misunderstood. But at the end of the day, I march. I march for equal rights/civil rights. I march for going the distance for what you believe in. I march for saying: It's ok to just be you, the created you which came from your Moms vagina. It's really ok to have brown skin or kinky hair. It's ok if your hips are wide (as long as you are healthy). It's ok that your laugh is loud. It's ok that you don't have all of the right answers; as long as you reconcile you. The true you that you were created to be.

I realize that I've been a tad lost for a while. So many things have added to that. The main thing was the fracturing of my ankle. I became so sensitive (again). I started to feel so inadequate as I had to depend on people to help me get dressed and use the bathroom, etc... I learned so much about me and the people who truly love me. I really found myself lost. I wasn't doing the normal things that I was doing. I wasn't living the carefree life that I worked so hard to attain. And that's ok. Because I am re-finding me (again) and I am embracing me for who I am, where I come from and where I am going. I am embracing the uncertainty of it all. I refuse to let the hurt of others, or the misunderstanding of others or the lack of respect, or the unresolved challenges of others interfere with me and my path. I will still be Liz. A loving, courageous, passionate ball of chaos. Except, this fear thing?? That's gotta go. Thank you my friend for bringing it to my attention.

I am walking by faith, one foot, boldly in front of the other. (That's actually how I walk now...smh; but you get it.) And, guess what?? I get it to.

Peace & Blessings Kings and Queens.