Soooo I'm told that I sabotage relationships. I wonder why that is. I am trying to step outside of myself to see this. Why do I have so many walls up? I say my life is an open book. But seemingly, that may not be the whole truth. Hmmm.... I am surrounded by so much love. Why must I control situations? I don't want to be a 32 year old subconscience loner. I want to experience a full, loving and healthy life.
It probably started the first time I felt safe and was let down. Maybe it was due to a broken heart. Who knows? Well, I better try to know if I am going to get to the root of this matter. I don't blame anyone for my internal workings. That's not how I operate. I just wish I knew why I seem to drive people insane. There, I said it! The question is: Elizabeth are you purposely keeping people at a distance so that you never have to feel pain? Or so that you don't have to depend on them? Are you that crazy that you have to try to control every situation? UGH, this is getting scary.
I'm also told that I don't fight (argue) fair. Truth be told, I would prefer not to fight or argue. It is a total waste of time and energy. Why can't people just have a civil conversation, without raising their voice or acting out?
So much has happened in such a small amount of time. At the end of the day, I am left holding the blame. So be it. Me and my commitment issues, my extremely nasty-stabbing mouth, guilty conscience, fractured heart and embarrassed spirit are going to attempt to get some rest.
How can one night...one freakin' night pull up the proverbial rug of my life? Probably because I had too much junk under the rug in the first place. Operation "Better Liz" is under way. Well, in the morning because as I said; I am tired. I've just poured my heart out and now I feel empty.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I can honestly say that I can identify. Completely.
ReplyDeleteMy dear Lizzy, I am going through the same thing. (whilst catching up on your blogs). I read something that I think you can identify with. Just remember that self-awareness is the first step. Also, you can't blame yourself for the actions of others. Sure you might be able to help curb a situation temporarily but eventually a persons' true nature has to come out. But anyway, read this passage and try to work on this part first (you'll know why)-
ReplyDelete3. Brutal Honesty
There is nothing wrong with honesty. However, everything is wrong with brutal honesty. When you are being brutally honest, you are basically giving yourself license to say something with an element of truth in the most cruel, degrading, insulting and hurtful way possible. When your partner gets upset, you clear your conscious by saying that you were only being honest. Brutal honesty is a cover for tearing your partner down emotionally. It’s a way of projecting anger at your partner disguised as a noble attempt at honesty.
Compassionate honesty is the better way to go. It's not so much the message you are delivering that gets your partner upset. It's how that message is delivered. Have the compassion and the patience to be honest with your partner in a loving way. There is no need to tear your partner down to make yourself feel better. Directing disguised anger at your partner is simply misplaced aggression with a back door. The hard truth here is that if your partner gets tired of it, you won’t have anyone around to be brutally honest with. That’s the brutally honest truth.
S.
"ANONYMOUS " you're a very smart person!
ReplyDelete