You did this, and I said that, and then you responded like this, because you were certain that I meant that. But in actuality it was all Bull Shit. All barriers, your attempt to sabbatoge and my attempt to allow you to. Fear. Hurt. Past Pain. Once again, you've reared your ugly head. Accept this time, I sincerly don't know what to do. My heart is so conflicted. How can this be love? I am wondering this from a safe distance as not to get my heart hurt anymore than it already is. I am in awe of how you choose to fight or argue. This is how you spend our time!! Time, is our most precious resource it is the only thing that we cannot get back. When it is gone, it is gone and you utilize our resource fussing over the smallest things possible. And then after you elect this option of communication, you decide that you want to hug or kiss me. Are you kidding me? I am so over trying to read minds. You are having a bad day and because of that, I deal with the rath. Then I can't ask you what's wrong because I should know what's wrong....because once again you elect not to articulate what you are feeling to me. I feel like I have so many jobs these days. True enough, my delivery on so many subjects could be improved. I could have been more patient. I could have sat down and gotten to the root of the problem with you, and worked at it with you. But when you go through years of hysteria, years of giving all that you had just to be left empty, the soul grows weary. Why can't you understand that? Why can't you look at my deeds? Words are just air. Yes, they hurt. Yes they carry power. But it is the action that tells the story. Have I not been at your side, since Day One? Have I not tried to have your back even when all else failed? Wasn't it me, making sure that you had everything you needed and most of what you wanted? NAH, couldn't be! Because in your mind a few words said out of anger and hurt are all you chose to hear and now all you choose to cling to. And when the shit gets rocky, you are so quick to abandon ship, quickly forgetting that I am only there, because you wanted to be there and then I am left there alone. Whether your body is there or not. You. Have. Mentally. Checked. OUT. I don't even know this person anymore. You, nor I.
My writing is coming to a screeching halt, as the tears well up in my eyes. I have to remember to keep it together. These tears are but cleansing tools, that no one else could give two shits about. I am up to head in responsibilities and I certainly can't let someone's attempt to break me, break me. Yeah, I am bruised. But I am not broken. I will never break, because I was built to last. Either I will be that pillar of strength beside you, or I will stand alone. Either way, we can't undo what's been done. There is no going back. So either we move full force ahead, or we quit now.
I used to be a quitter. But you, you make me want to fight. You make it all worth it. I wonder if I am just another unfinished project to you.
Soon, we will know. Very soon.
Peace!
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